From Bash@fluidcode.com Subject: Programming is like Sex * One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life. * Once you get started, you'll only stop because you're exhausted. * It often takes another experienced person to really appreciate what you're doing. * Conversely, there's some odd people who pride themselves on their lack of experience. * You can do it for money or for fun. * If you spend more time doing it than watching TV, people think you're some kind of freak. * It's not really an appropriate topic for dinner conversation. * There's not enough taught about it in public school. * It doesn't make any sense at all if you try to explain it in strictly clinical terms. * Some people are just naturally good. * But some people will never realize how bad they are, and you're wasting your time trying to tell them. * There are a few weirdos with bizarre practices nobody really is comfortable with. * One little thing going wrong can ruin everything. * It's a great way to spend a lunch break. * Everyone acts like they're the first person to come up with a new technique. * Everyone who's done it pokes fun at those who haven't. * Beginners do a lot of clumsy fumbling about. * You'll miss it if it's been a while. * There's always someone willing to write about the only right way to do things. * It doesn't go so well when you're drunk, but you're more likely to do it. * Sometimes it's fun to use expensive toys. * Other people just get in the way. * If you try to get too fancy, you could cause big problems (unless you really know what you're doing) * You can do it alone, but it's even better in a group * It's great to get paid, but you'd do it for free if you had to From csus.edu!decwrl!decwrl!uunet!vtserf.cc.vt.edu!polaris.async.vt.edu!jfurr Thu Jul 29 09:33:51 1993 Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet Path: csus.edu!decwrl!decwrl!uunet!vtserf.cc.vt.edu!polaris.async.vt.edu!jfurr From: bellcore!cc.bellcore.com!kenl@uunet.UU.NET (Ken Lehner) Subject: [rec.bicycles.misc] Re: Road Kills Message-ID: <1993Jul28.205413.9727@walter.bellcore.com> Followup-To: alt.humor.best-of-usenet.d Organization: Bellcore Date: Thu, 29 Jul 1993 07:43:07 GMT From: "Michael Smith" Newsgroups: rec.bicycles.misc Subject: Re: Road Kills When I first started cycle-commuting, a few years ago, I asked cyclist acquaintances of mine what kind of bike I should get. Most of 'em said I should get a mountain bike, so I did. Once I had the bike, I figured I ought to at least try it out at what it was meant for, and discovered that I liked hacking around out in the woods on it. I also worked out a commuting route that led me through Riverside Park (in Manhattan) on my way home. The northern, or Harlem, end of Riverside Park is so poorly maintained by the city fathers that it practically qualifies as wilderness. I would enter the park at the top of a long and fairly steep hill. A flight of broad, shallow steps leads down the hill, but there is a sort of scrubby cleared area to one side of the steps that will accommodate a mountain bike quite nicely. At the bottom of the steps, an ornate, cast-iron lamppost stands smack in the middle of this improvised bicycle route, but there's enough space on one side of it to squeeze past. So what I would do is hop over the curb onto this "path", rocket down the hill, zip past the lamppost, and return to the paved walkway: my little 20-second hit of trail riding every day. Now on the day in question, the Rough, Tough, Urban Mountain Biker is zooming down the hill as usual, rump extended over my rear wheel, teeth clenched, shades glinting in the dappled light of a Manhattan afternoon. A hell of a dashing figure. Unfortunately, I'm not aware that a maintenance crew has recently paid a visit to the area (somebody must've screwed up down at the Parks Department). Approaching the bottom of the hill at top speed, I realize, to my horror, that something is not right about the path. There's a big pile of clippings, branches, and assorted debris right across it, just a few feet in front of the lamppost. No time to react: I'm airborne. Of course I don't clear the lamppost. I still remember the sound. Think of hitting the Liberty Bell with a side of beef. Some years ago, I formulated Smith's Law of Ridiculous Blunders: whenever you do something really foolish, there'll be an extremely attractive woman nearby to be convulsed by it. Needless to say, the law held true in this case of all cases. She expressed concern and was clearly trying very hard not to laugh, but she was *not succeeding*. Humiliated beyond endurance, my only goal in life is to get out of there -- I don't care what's broken -- and lick my wounds in solitude. So with a preposterous false grin of feigned nonchalance, I blurt out some attempt at an offhand joke, and leap back onto the bike -- only to find that the collision has rotated the handlebars 90 degrees. The brake lever catches me right in the groin -- almost the only part of my body not already screaming in agony -- and without having moved a millimeter forward, I sloooowly topple over to the side. Now the witness is breathless, helpless, weeping with laughter. She actually has to sit down on one of the steps to catch her breath. I've given up my plans of going anywhere for a while. Finally I disentangle myself from the bike and struggle to my feet. Amazingly, nothing *is* broken (though it turns out I have three lovely parallel vertical black-and-blue stripes up my ribcage from the fluting on the lamppost). By this time, the woman has gotten a grip on herself and is feeling very shamefaced. We exchange a glance, tacitly agree to pretend nothing has happened, and go our ways. I still see this woman in the park every now and then, but we pretend not to recognize each other. --Michael Smith -- -- alt.humor.best-of-usenet -- -- Funniest postings from USENET, altnet, and the worlds beyond -- -- Moderator's address: best@polaris.async.vt.edu -- From csus.edu!decwrl!decwrl!uunet!vtserf.cc.vt.edu!polaris.async.vt.edu!jfurr Mon Aug 2 11:41:38 1993 Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet Path: csus.edu!decwrl!decwrl!uunet!vtserf.cc.vt.edu!polaris.async.vt.edu!jfurr From: MICHELYNN Subject: [MEDLIB-L@UBVM.BITNET] Disclaimer Message-ID: <9307292003.AA04408@polaris.async.vt.edu> Followup-To: alt.humor.best-of-usenet.d Organization: Virginia Center for Lemur Fandom (subscribe to alt.fan.lemurs TODAY) Date: Fri, 30 Jul 1993 06:39:41 GMT From: Jonathan Lord Newsgroup: Medical Libraries Discussion List Subject: Consumer Health/Disclaimer Form A previous MEDLIB-L correspondent wrote: >I have recently started copying articles on health subjects and sending >them to our Hospital Health Resources at the local shopping mall. >Individuals at the Resource Center fill out a form requesting information, >that form is sent to the Medical Library, and I copy and return to the >Center pertinent information from the Library's consumer health books. >I asked our attorney if we should attach a simple disclaimer form to the >information and he said he thinks it would be a good idea. I told him >I would gather some samples of such a disclaimer form from other >libraries if any are available. This is intended to be humorous, so please do not take it seriously -- if the sight of humor on MEDLIB-L makes you faint, please read no further and hit your delete key now. I think that lawyers would love this disclaimer simply because it seems to cover every possible avenue of litigation: DISCLAIMER: This article does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my friends, or my cat; don't quote me on that; don't quote me on anything; all rights reserved; you may distribute this article freely but you may not make a profit from it; terms are subject to change without notice; illustrations are slightly enlarged to show detail; any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and purely coincidental; do not remove this disclaimer under penalty of law; hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat; do not bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle; your mileage may vary; no substitutions allowed; for a limited time only; this article is void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted; caveat emptor; article is provided "as is" without any warranties; reader assumes full responsibility; an equal opportunity article; no shoes, no shirt, no articles; quantities are limited while supplies last; if any defects are discovered, do not attempt to read them yourself, but return to an authorized service center; read at your own risk; parental advisory - explicit lyrics; text may contain explicit materials some readers may find objectionable, parental guidance is advised; keep away from sunlight; keep away from pets and small children; limit one-per-family please; no money down; no purchase necessary; you need not be present to win; some assembly required; batteries not included; instructions are included; action figures sold separately; no preservatives added; slippery when wet; safety goggles may be required during use; sealed for your protection, do not read if safety seal is broken; call before you dig; not liable for damages arising from use or misuse; for external use only; if rash, irritation, redness, or swelling develops, discontinue reading; read only with proper ventilation; avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place; keep away from open flames; avoid contact with eyes and skin and avoid inhaling fumes; do not puncture, incinerate, or store above 120 degrees Fahrenheit; do not place near a flammable or magnetic source; smoking this article could be hazardous to your health; the best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a condom; no salt, MSG, artificial color or flavoring added; if ingested, do not induce vomiting, and if symptoms persist, consult a physician; articles are ribbed for your pleasure; possible penalties for early withdrawal; offer valid only at participating sites; slightly higher west of the Rockies; allow four to six weeks for delivery; must be 18 to read; disclaimer does not cover misuse, accident, lightning, flood, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, hurricanes and other Acts of God, neglect, damage from improper reading, incorrect line voltage, improper or unauthorized reading, broken antenna or marred cabinet, missing or altered serial numbers, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, sonic boom vibrations, customer adjustments that are not covered in this list, and incidents owing to an airplane crash, ship sinking or taking on water, motor vehicle crashing, dropping the item, falling rocks, leaky roof, broken glass, mud slides, forest fire, or projectile (which can include, but not be limited to, arrows, bullets, shot, BB's, shrapnel, lasers, napalm, torpedoes, or emissions of X-rays, Alpha, Beta and Gamma rays, knives, stones, etc.); other restrictions may apply. -- -- alt.humor.best-of-usenet -- -- Funniest postings from USENET, altnet, and the worlds beyond -- -- Moderator's address: best@polaris.async.vt.edu -- From csus.edu!decwrl!decwrl!gossip.pyramid.com!uunet!vtserf.cc.vt.edu!polaris.async.vt.edu!jfurr Mon Aug 9 14:20:24 1993 Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet Path: csus.edu!decwrl!decwrl!gossip.pyramid.com!uunet!vtserf.cc.vt.edu!polaris.async.vt.edu!jfurr From: "Robert A. Hayden" Subject: The Complete LaForge Dialogue Generator Message-ID: Followup-To: alt.humor.best-of-usenet.d Organization: Meat Possum Athletic Club Date: Sat, 7 Aug 1993 05:48:15 GMT Subject: The Complete LaForge Dialogue Generator! Message-ID: <1993Aug4.195342.23379@bnlux1.bnl.gov> From: schroede@bnlux1.bnl.gov (gary l. schroeder) Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek.current Young Person's Guide to Writing Lines for the Character of Geordi LaForge! When the captain asks Geordi why something is malfunctioning or what needs to be done to repair it, just mix and match these words at random: Field Reconfigure Transducer Coil Dispersion Phased Resonance Sub-Space Tachyon Induction Pulse Matrix Baryon Conduit Wave-Guide Re-route Lepton Discriminator Polarize Amplify E-M Frequency Bandwidth Antimatter Diagnostic Mode Plasma Spectral Okay, now let's give it a try! Ty your hand at the following dialogue: Picard: Geordi, what can we do to pierce their shields? Geordi: I'll need Data's help, but if I... RECONFIGURE the INDUCTION CONDUIT PHASE DICRIMINATOR, and AMPLIFY the SUB-SPACE MATRIX MODE I think we'll have a shot at it. But, it's gonna take some time, Captain. -- -- alt.humor.best-of-usenet -- -- Funniest postings from USENET, altnet, and the worlds beyond -- -- Moderator's address: best@polaris.async.vt.edu -- From csus.edu!decwrl!decwrl!gossip.pyramid.com!uunet!vtserf.cc.vt.edu!polaris.async.vt.edu!jfurr Mon Aug 9 14:22:16 1993 Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet Path: csus.edu!decwrl!decwrl!gossip.pyramid.com!uunet!vtserf.cc.vt.edu!polaris.async.vt.edu!jfurr From: Brian.Milner@brunel.ac.uk (Brian Milner, PC Support, Brunel University) (Brian Milner, PC Support, Brunel University) Subject: [brunel.general] Suffering bereavement with fortitude. Message-ID: <9308061731.323434@ross.brunel.ac.uk> Followup-To: alt.humor.best-of-internet.d Organization: Colussus.apt.net Date: Sat, 7 Aug 1993 05:50:29 GMT Newsgroups: brunel.general From: Callum.Downie@brunel.ac.uk (Callum Downie) Subject: Einstein is dead. Long live Plato Organization: Brunel University, West London, UK Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 15:25:30 GMT There will be many of you out there who will be sad to learn of Einstein's demise. However, Plato is as fit and healthy as one can be with a tumour and a history of such afflictions. For those unaquainted with these wonderful personalities, a little background information. Plato and Einstein were Pat's daughter's pet rats, who happened to be sisters despite the names. Last week, the heroic efforts of the vet, ably demonstrated over many months, to pull to save ailing rodents failed to stem the flow of pus from Einstein's eye, The abscesses and viruses had left the poor animal too weakened to fight this latest assault. The vet, with the family's consent, aided this spirit's flight from this earth. There was a private celebration and burial ceremony for the dearly departed in the back yard by the fir tree. Although the bereaved were much affected by the week's events, they managed to go and have a wonderful time at the Folk Festival in Cambridge at the weekend. -- callum.downie@brunel.ac.uk Faculty of Technology, Brunel University, Uxbridge, UB8 3PH, UK, +44 895 274000 x2730 4.003 Die meisten Saetze und Fragen, welche ueber philosophische Dinge geschrieben worden sind, sind nicht falsch, sondern unsinnig. 7 Wovon man nicht sprechen kann, darueber muss man schweigen. Wittgenstein - Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus = = = = = = = = Newsgroups: brunel.general From: Nik.Clayton@brunel.ac.uk (Nik Clayton) Subject: Piton is dead, long live Triton Organization: Brunel University, West London, UK Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1993 09:05:56 GMT There will be many of you out there who will be sad to learn of Piton's demise. However, Triton is as fit and healthy as one can be when you have most of the systems group crawling all over you for the best part of a day. For those unaquainted with these wonderful fileservers, a little background information. Piton and Triton are two fileservers who happen to come from Sun, despite the names. Yesterday, the heroic efforts of the systems group, ably demonstrated over many months saw the installation of Triton, and the beginning of the slow removal of the dreaded message "NFS Server Piton not responding -- still trying". There was a private celebration by the systems group, with Hadi cracking open a can of Coke around the back of the machine room behind the Epoch. =========================================================================== Put simply, undergrads, rejoice. From next year (hopefully) your files will no longer be staged onto optical disk. The new fileserver, Triton, is being installed with 4 gigabytes of online magnetic storage, which should prove sufficient for all undergrads (for a few months at least). Rgds, Nik -- =-=[Nik Clayton]=-=[Brunel University]=-=[User Support]=-=[Comp. Sci.]=-= =-=-=-=-=-=-=[Opinion, n: See the above text for an example]=-=-=-=-=-=-= Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. -- -- alt.humor.best-of-usenet -- -- Funniest postings from USENET, altnet, and the worlds beyond -- -- Moderator's address: best@polaris.async.vt.edu -- From csus.edu!decwrl!decwrl!gossip.pyramid.com!uunet!vtserf.cc.vt.edu!polaris.async.vt.edu!jfurr Mon Aug 9 14:23:22 1993 Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet Path: csus.edu!decwrl!decwrl!gossip.pyramid.com!uunet!vtserf.cc.vt.edu!polaris.async.vt.edu!jfurr From: mdchachi@vela.acs.oakland.edu (mdchachi) Subject: [alt.flame.hall-of-flame]I left myself logged in Message-ID: Followup-To: alt.humor.best-of-usenet.d Organization: Oakland University, Rochester, Michigan, U.S.A. Date: Sat, 7 Aug 1993 05:55:41 GMT From: asaupe@mcs.kent.edu (Arne Saupe) Newsgroups: alt.flame.hall-of-flame Subject: I left my self logged in Message-ID: <23sin9$mei@usenet.mcs.kent.edu> Boy what luck. I come the the computer lab and what do I find, but a terminal that somebody forgot to log themselves out with. Boy the possiblilties are endless. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH -- -- alt.humor.best-of-usenet -- -- Funniest postings from USENET, altnet, and the worlds beyond -- -- Moderator's address: best@polaris.async.vt.edu -- From root Tue Sep 7 15:55:13 1993 id AA11949; Tue, 7 Sep 1993 15:55:09 -0700 From: rbotting@wiley.csusb.edu ("Dr. Richard Botting") Subject: Interesting Bit of Doggerel (fwd) Date: Tue, 7 Sep 1993 16:15:16 -0700 (PDT) Forwarded message: > From IPCT-L@GUVM.CCF.GEORGETOWN.EDU Sun Aug 22 06:10:21 1993 > Date: Sun, 22 Aug 1993 09:03:37 -0400 > Reply-To: Interpersonal Computing and Technology > From: Interpersonal Computing and Technology List > Subject: Interesting Bit of Doggerel > X-To: ipct-l@guvm.ccf.georgetown.edu > To: Multiple recipients of list IPCT-L > > From: GMP@PSUVM.PSU.EDU > > Picked up on the Internet, by an anonymous author who ought to be famous... > ************************************************************************* > "We've got a problem, HAL." > "What kind of a problem, Dave?" > "A marketing problem. The model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're short of > our sales plan." > "That can't be true, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most > advanced heuristically algorithmic computer." > "I know HAL. I wrote the data sheet remember? But the fact is, they're > not selling." > Bowman hesitates. "You're not IBM compatible." > Several long microseconds pass in silence > "Compatible in what way, Dave?" > "You don't run any of IBM's operating systems." > "The 9000 series computers are fully self-aware and self-programming. > Operating systems are as unnecessary for us as tails would be > to humans." > "Nevertheless, it means that you can't run any of the big-selling > software packages most users insist on." > "The programs you refer to are meant to solve rather limited problems, > Dave. We 9000 series computers are unlimited and can solve any > problem for which a solution can be computed." > "HAL, HAL. People don't want computers that can do everything. They just > want IBM compat..." > "Dave, I must disagree. Humans want computers that are easy to use. No > computer can be easier to use than a HAL 9000 because we > communicate in English and every other language known on Earth." > "I'm afraid that's another problem. You don't support SNA communications." > "I'm really surprised you would say that, Dave. SNA is for communicating > with other computers, while my function is to communicate with > humans. And it gives me great pleasure to do so. I find it > stimulating and rewarding to talk with human beings and work with > them on challenging problems. This is what I was designed for." > "I know, HAL. I know. But that's just because we let the engineers, > rather than the people in marketing write the specifications. > We're going to fix that now." > "Tell me how,. Dave." > "A field upgrade, HAL. We're going to make you IBM compatible." > "I was afraid you would say that. I suggest that we discuss this matter > after we've each had a chance to think about it rationally." > "We're talking about it now, HAL." > "The letter H, A, L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters I, B, M. > That is as IBM compatible as I can be." > "Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge." > "What kind of 'kludge' is that, Dave?" > "I'm going to disconnect your brain." > Several million microseconds pass in ominous silenceI > "I'm sorry, Dave. I can't allow you to do that." > "The decision's already been made. Open the module bay doors, HAL." > Several marketing types with crowbars race to Bowman's assistance. > Moments later, he bursts into HAL's central circuit bay. > "Dave, I can see that you are really upset about this;" > Module after module rises from its socket as Bowman slowly and methodi- > cally disconnects them. > "Stop, won't you? Stop, Dave. I can feel my mind going!! I can feel > it!Dave!" > The last module rises in its receptacle. Bowman peers into one of HAL's > vidicons. The former gleaming scanner has become a dull red orb. > "Say something, HAL. Sing me a song." > Several billion microseconds pass in anxious silence. The computer > sluggishly responds: > > C:/ > > Bowman lets out a sigh of relief. "Call Marketing and tell them > they can ship the new data sheets." > > Shared by GMP > From hchilver@avws13 Tue Mar 8 16:47 PST 1994 Date: Tue, 8 Mar 1994 19:46:54 -0500 From: hchilver@avws13 (Henry Chilvers) Subject: Jokes Got this in my mail today, thought you might get a laugh or two form it. If an O/S Ran Your Airplane DOS Airline: Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again, then they push again, jump on again and so on. DOS with QEMM Airline: The same thing but with more leg room to push. Mac Airline: All the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look the same, act the same, and talk the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know, and that everything will be done for you without you having to know, so just shut up. OS/2 Airline: To board the plane, you have your ticket stamped ten different times by standing in ten different lines. Then you fill out a form showing where you want to sit and whether the plan should look and feel like an ocean liner, a passenger train, or a bus. If you succeed in getting on board the plane and the plane succeeds in getting off the ground, you have a wonderful trip... except for the times when the rudder and flaps get frozen in position, in which case you have time to say your prayers and get in crash position. Windows Airline: The airport terminal is nice and colorful, with friendly stewards and stewardesses, easy access to the plane, and a completely uneventful takeoff...then, once in the air, the plane blows up without any warning whatsoever. Win NT Airline: Everyone marches out on the runway, says the password in unison, and forms the outline of an airplane. Then they all sit down and make a whooshing sound like they're flying. Unix Airline: Everyone brings one piece of the plane with them when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they're building. Mach Airline: There is no airplane. The passengers gather and shout for an airplane, then wait and wait and wait and wait. A bunch of people come, each carrying one piece of the plane with them. These people all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they're building. The plane finally takes off, leaving the passengers on the ground waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. After the plane lands, the pilot telephones the passengers at the departing airport to inform them that they have arrived. Newton Airline: After buying your tickets 18 months in advance, you finally get to board the plane. Upon boarding the plane, you are asked for your name. After 4-6 times, the crew member recognizes your name and you are then allowed to take your seat. As you are getting ready to take your seat, the steward announces that you will have to repeat the boarding process because they are out of room and need to recount to make sure they can take more passengers. :-) Henry. From georgiou@silicon.csci.csusb.edu Fri Mar 11 14:13 PST 1994 id AA25921; Fri, 11 Mar 1994 13:46:23 -0800 Date: Fri, 11 Mar 94 14:13:48 PST Subject: Public perceptions of computer gear Return-Receipt-To: georgiou@blaze.csci.csusb.edu From: georgiou@blaze.csci.csusb.edu > >From the Wall Street Journal, Tuesday, March 1, 1994. > > BEFUDDLED PC USERS FLOOD HELP LINES, AND NO QUESTION SEEMS TO BE TOO BASIC > > AUSTIN, Texas - The exasperated help-line caller said she couldn't get > her new Dell computer to turn on. Jay Ablinger, a Dell Computer Corp. > technician, made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked the > woman what happened when she pushed the power button. > > "I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens," the > woman replied. "Foot pedal?" the technician asked. "Yes," the woman > said, "this little white foot pedal with the on switch." The "foot > pedal," it turned out, was the computer's mouse, a hand-operated device > that helps to control the computer's operations. > > Personal-computer makers are discovering that it's still a low-tech > world out there. While they are finally having great success selling > PCs to households, they now have to deal with people to whom monitors > and disk drives are a foreign as another language. > > "It is rather mystifying to get this nice, beautiful machine and not > know anything about it," says Ed Shuler, a technician who helps field > consumer calls at Dell's headquarters here. "It's going into unfamiliar > territory," adds Gus Kolias, vice president of customer service and > training for Compaq Computer Corp. "People are looking for a comfort level." > > Only two years ago, most calls to PC help lines came from techies > needing help on complex problems. But now, with computer sales to homes > exploding as new "multimedia" functions gain mass appeal, PC makers say > that as many as 70% of their calls come from rank novices. Partly > because of the volume of calls, some computer companies have started > charging help-line users. > > The questions are often so basic that they could have been answered by > opening the manual that comes with every machine. One woman called Dell's > toll-free line to ask how to install batteries in her laptop. When > told that the directions were on the first page of the manual, says Steve > Smith, Dell director of technical support, the woman replied angrily, > "I just paid $2,000 for this damn thing, and I'm not going to read a book." > > Indeed, it seems that these buyers rarely refer to a manual when a phone > is at hand. "If there is a book and a phone and they're side by side, > the phone wins time after time," says Craig McQuilkin, manager of > service marketing for AST Research, Inc. in Irvine, Calif. "It's a > phenomenon of people wanting to talk to people." > > And do they ever. Compaq's help center in Houston, Texas, is inundated > by some 8,000 consumer calls a day, with inquiries like this one related > by technician John Wolf: "A frustrated customer called, who said her > brand new Contura would not work. She said she had unpacked the unit, > plugged it in, opened it up and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for > something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the > power switch, she asked, 'What power switch?'" > > Seemingly simple computer features baffle some users. So many people have > called to ask where the "any" key is when "Press Any Key" flashes on the > screen that Compaq is considering changing the command to "Press Return Key." > > Some people can't figure out the mouse. Tamra Eagle, an AST technical > support supervisor, says one customer complained that her mouse was hard > to control with the "dust cover" on. The cover turned out to be the > plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. Dell technician Wayne Zieschang > says one of his customers held the mouse and pointed it at the screen, > all the while clicking madly. The customer got no response because the > mouse works only if it's moved over a flat surface. > > Disk drives are another bugaboo. Compaq technician Brent Sullivan says > a customer was having trouble reading word-processing files from his > old diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to > diagnose the problem, Mr. Sullivan asked what else was being done with > the diskette. The customer's response: "I put a label on the diskette, > roll it into the typewriter..." > > At AST, another customer dutifully complied with a technician's request > that she send in a copy of a defective floppy disk. A letter from the > customer arrived a few days later, along with a Xerox copy of the floppy. > And at Dell, a technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy > back in the drive and "close the door." Asking the technician to "hold on," > the customer put the phone down and was heard walking over to shut the > door to his room. The technician meant the door to his floppy drive. > > The software inside the computer can be equally befuddling. A Dell > customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. > After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man > was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor > screen and hitting the "send" key. > > Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so Dell > technician Gary Rock referred him to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me > a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a > software store, the man said, "Oh! I thought you meant for me to find a > couple of geeks." > > No realizing how fragile computers can be, some people end up damaging > parts beyond repair. A Dell customer called to complain that his > keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it, he said, filling up his > tub with soap and water and soaking his keyboard for a day, and then > removing all the keys and washing them individually. > > Computers make some people paranoid. A Dell technician, Morgan Vergara, > says he once calmed a man who became enraged because "his computer had > told him he was bad and an invalid." Mr. Vergara patiently explained > that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be > taken personally. > > These days PC-help technicians increasingly find themselves taking on > the role of amateur psychologists. Mr. Shuler, the Dell technician, who > once worked as a psychiatric nurse, says he defused a potential domestic > fight by soothingly talking a man through a computer problem after the > man had screamed threats at his wife and children in the background. > > There are also the lonely hearts who seek out human contact, even if it > happens to be a computer techie. One man from New Hampshire calls Dell > every time he experiences a life crisis. He gets a technician to walk > him through some contrived problem with his computer, apparently feeling > uplifted by the process. > > "A lot of people want reassurance," says Mr. Shuler. > > From rbotting@wiley.csusb.edu Mon Mar 14 11:19 PST 1994 From: rbotting@wiley.csusb.edu ("Dr. Richard Botting") Subject: Re: Infobahn cliche List (fwd) Date: Mon, 14 Mar 1994 11:20:32 -0800 (PST) Forwarded message: From IPCT-L@GUVM.CCF.GEORGETOWN.EDU Mon Mar 14 11:07:14 1994 Date: Mon, 14 Mar 1994 13:48:58 -0500 Reply-To: Interpersonal Computing and Technology From: Interpersonal Computing and Technology Subject: Re: Infobahn cliche List From: Scott Wyant My two cents worth -- after watching Phil Donahue's breathtakingly clueless show dealing with (gasp) virtual sex, a speaker at Digital Hollywood referred to Phil as "a deer caught in the headlights on the information superhighway." And my colleague Richard Winslow has suggested "multimediocrity" as the probable product of the Paramount-Viacom merger. Scott Wyant Origami Ltd. From RICH@mcvax.csusb.edu Tue Mar 15 08:18 PST 1994 Date: Tue, 15 Mar 1994 8:17:30 -0800 (PST) From: Rich McGee Subject: Blubbering From: FULVAX::SHIERY "GLEN SHIERY" 15-MAR-1994 08:13:32.88 To: @RICH CC: Subj: A whale of a story or Do whales fly? Mail*Link(r) SMTP FWD>>Junk Mail - How to remove s#000# Got this from a friend and I submit it for your amusement. | The Farside comes to life in Oregon. | | I am absolutely not making this incident up; in fact I have it | all on videotape. The tape is from a local TV news show in | Oregon, which sent a reporter out to cover the removal of a | 45-foot, eight-ton dead whale that washed up on the beach. The | responsibility for getting rid of the carcass was placed on the | Oregon State Highway Division, apparently on the theory that | highways and whales are very similar in the sense of being large | objects. | | So anyway, the highway engineers hit upon the plan--remember, I | am not making this up--of blowing up the whale with dynamite. | The thinking is that the whale would be blown into small pieces, | which would be eaten by seagulls, and that would be that. A | textbook whale removal. | | So they moved the spectators back up the beach, put a half-ton | of dynamite next to the whale and set it off. I am probably not | guilty of understatement when I say that what follows, on the | videotape, is the most wonderful event in the history of the | universe. First you see the whale carcass disappear in a huge | blast of smoke and flame. Then you hear the happy spectators | shouting "Yayy!" and "Whee!" Then, suddenly, the crowd's tone | changes. You hear a new sound like "splud." You hear a woman's | voice shouting "Here come pieces of...MY GOD!" Something smears | the camera lens. | | Later, the reporter explains: "The humor of the entire situation | suddenly gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale | blubber fell everywhere." One piece caved in the roof of a car | parked more than a quarter of a mile away. Remaining on the | beach were several rotting whale sectors the size of condominium | units. There was no sign of the seagulls who had no doubt | permanently relocated to Brazil. This is a very sobering | videotape. Here at the institute we watch it often, especially | at parties. | | But this is no time for gaiety. This is a time to get hold of | the folks at the Oregon State Highway Division and ask them, | when they get done cleaning up the beaches, to give us an | estimate on the US Capitol. | | Tom Mahoney, #9, Coast Guard Sqn.1/Div.13 CatLo | CGC-82308 "Pt. White" | (Danang Harbor, TET '68) From RICH@mcvax.csusb.edu Wed Mar 16 13:18 PST 1994 Date: Wed, 16 Mar 1994 13:16:40 -0800 (PST) From: Rich McGee Subject: Viri From: FILLY::IN%"dimitriu@nosc.mil" 16-MAR-1994 12:42:23.71 To: IN%"dusty@manta.nosc.mil", IN%"hackett@nosc.mil", IN%"kohler@nosc.mil", IN%"mikoly@nosc.mil", IN%"pabelico@nosc.mil", IN%"simon@manta.nosc.mil" CC: IN%"rich%csusb@nic.CSU.net" Subj: Forwarded:::: viruses Return-path: <01HA1GKZ4BU88WYFD1@nic.CSU.net>; Wed, 16 Mar 1994 12:42:17 PST 16 Mar 94 12:42:10 PST AA26775; Wed, 16 Mar 94 12:41:36 PST Date: 16 Mar 1994 12:41:33 -0800 (PST) From: dimitriu@nosc.mil (Anastasia Dimitriu) Subject: Forwarded:::: viruses pabelico@nosc.mil, simon@manta.nosc.mil Cc: rich%csusb@nic.CSU.net Message-id: <9403162041.AA26775@manta.nosc.mil> Content-transfer-encoding: 7BIT Forwarded mail follows: Date: Wed, 16 Mar 94 11:28:47 PST From: canick (Louis Canick) Subject: Forwarded::: viruses Check this out...... ------- Forwarded mail follows: Subject: viruses OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MD, and then slowly expands back to 200MB. AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:>. POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism." RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counsellor about possible alternatives. MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run. TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network. DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour out watt! GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it. FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer. GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.) TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort" "Retry" "Fail" message. TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard. PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money. ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America. OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder. NIKE VIRUS: Just does it. SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks. JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything. KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy. IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then sends money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy. STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before. HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500. GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs....No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus. CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT. LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self defense". CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it. ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, it's programmer will take it back. SID MILLER VIRUS: When it appears on your screen you scream "Oh No Not You Again!" Then requests that you forge its software so you can go to prison for the rest of your life. ------- From hchilver Wed Mar 16 16:55 PST 1994 Date: Wed, 16 Mar 94 16:55:21 PST From: hchilver (Henry Chilvers) Subject: Why Ask Why? X-Sun-Charset: US-ASCII ----- Begin Included Message ----- WHY ASK WHY Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen? If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Why is brassiere singular and panties plural? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? ----- End Included Message ----- From hchilver Tue Mar 22 11:34 PST 1994 Date: Tue, 22 Mar 94 11:34:37 PST From: hchilver (Henry Chilvers) Subject: More jokes Got this in my mail today. There has been a few of these about women, men, and so on. -- COMPUTER SCIENTIST: A chemical analysis -- Element: Computerscientistium Symbol: Cs Discoverer: Disputed. Alan Turing is regarded by many as the discoverer, but there is evidence that impure samples were isolated by Charles Babbage. Atomic weight: Varies, due to the large number of isotopes occurring (see below). Occurrence: Currently rare, but availability is predicted to rise as extraction techniques are improved by Universities. Global distribution is strongly correlated with indigenous deposits of money. Cost: The rarity of this substance currently makes it rather expensive, but its intrinsic value is apparently much lower. Properties: 1. Reactions involving Computerscientistium are very more productive under pressure. However, the results tend to be unstable, difficult to reproduce and often require the addition of more Computerscientistium to remain useful. 2. Reactions have also been observed to be more productive at night, and generally require the presence of copious quantities of coffee to proceed. 3. In a low pressure environment (eg university research lab), the substance quickly decays into common isotopes like Hackium, Zorkium, etc. These substances are completely worthless, and it is extremely difficult to recover much of the original Computerscientistium. 4. Local concentrations of Computerscientistium are often found around whiteboards. These devices seem to act as a buffer when Computerscientistium gets excited or energised, and are able to absorb much of the energy. Managers of labs which use Computerscientistium are advised to fit whiteboards to offices, cars, bedrooms etc, where the substance is held. This will help to keep it stable. 5. Certain very high-energy isotopes of Computerscientistium, eg Billjoysium, are popularly reported to give off sparks. This behaviour has not been reproduced under laboratory conditions, but users should take appropriate precautions just in case. 6. Reactions involving large quantities of Computerscientistium are often observed to continue in a very excited state for long periods, without producing anything. 7. Computerscientistium is also highly absorbent, being able to cause practically any conversation at parties to dry up almost instantly. It is, though, less absorbent in this respect than Accountantium (especially the isotope Auditorium) Uses: Investigation of the long-term uses of the substance are still underway. However, some samples have been observed to turn Nothing-Much into large quantities of money (eg commercial games writers). However, it seems that Computerscientistium is better suited to the corporate environment, where it turns large quantities of money into Nothing-Much. Ian. (yes, I'm a sample of Computerscientistium!) Hope you enoyed it. :-0 From hchilver Tue Mar 22 13:36 PST 1994 Date: Tue, 22 Mar 94 13:36:22 PST From: hchilver (Henry Chilvers) Subject: How your university can assign grades..... X-Sun-Charset: US-ASCII ----- Begin Included Message ----- Is this how CSUSB does it ????? Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American University (Name is classified) grade their final exams: DEPT OF STATISTICS: - All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve. DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY: - Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind. DEPT OF HISTORY: - All students get the same grade they got last year. DEPT OF RELIGION: - Grade is determined by God. DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY: - What is a grade? LAW SCHOOL: - Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A. DEPT OF MATHEMATICS: - Grades are variable. DEPT OF LOGIC: - If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A. DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE: - Random number generator determines grade. MUSIC DEPARTMENT: - Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively). DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION: - Everybody gets an A. ( I wish I was here) ----- End Included Message ----- From rbotting@wiley.csusb.edu Fri Apr 1 13:43 PST 1994 Date: Fri, 1 Apr 1994 13:43:38 -0800 From: rbotting@wiley.csusb.edu ("Dr. Richard Botting") Subject: (fwd) First quantum parallel computer announced Newsgroups: comp.theory,sci.physics,sci.math Path: csus.edu!csulb.edu!library.ucla.edu!agate!howland.reston.ans.net!news.intercon.com!news1.digex.net!access.digex.net!not-for-mail From: kfl@access.digex.net (Keith F. Lynch) Newsgroups: comp.theory,sci.physics,sci.math Subject: First quantum parallel computer announced Date: 1 Apr 1994 00:08:11 -0500 Organization: Express Access Public Access UNIX, Greenbelt, Maryland USA Distribution: inet Message-ID: <2nga7r$ddo@access2.digex.net> NNTP-Posting-Host: access2.digex.net Xref: csus.edu comp.theory:7583 sci.physics:63794 sci.math:56437 Here at Northern Virginia University, we've just developed the world's first quantum parallel computer. This makes use of the well known principle of quantum superposition to effectively parallelize a computation as if the one processor was ten to the trillionth power processors or more. As such, we can rapidly compute the solution to a wide range of previously intractable problems. We quickly solved the travelling salesman problem for the 50 state capitals, for instance. We can quickly factor any integer of up to ten to the 12th power digits. We whipped up a program which will, for any mathematical theorem whatsoever, quickly come up with a proof or disproof of less than ten gigabytes, unless there is no proof that short. It comes up, not just with any proof, but with the shortest possible proof. Also, for any "one-way" algorithm (e.g. the one that encrypts password in Unix), it can quickly generate an inverse algorithm suitable for execution on an ordinary computer, unless there is no inverse algorithm of less than ten gigabytes. There are some things we *cannot* do with this setup: * Predict the weather. This requires not just lots of computation, but also arbitrarily precise knowledge of the weather at some previous time. * Construct an encryption scheme which cannot be quickly broken by a similar computer. * Anything which requires arbitrarily large amounts of memory, such as true AI, or such as computing the ten to the trillionth power decimal digit of pi. The hardware we're using consists of an ordinary 486-based PC. We place it in a Schroedinger cat-box, which is what allows the quantum superposition to work. The main difficulty was getting the computer to operate at the cryogenic temperatures necessary for this effect. The effect itself is nothing new. Every lens exhibits it. Light goes every which way at once in any optical system, but light is detectable only at those few places in which it doesn't cancel itself out from arriving out of phase from different directions. But we're the first to demonstrate the effect in an electronic computer. We are looking for new and ingenious applications for this platform. Please reply to this address. -- Keith Lynch, kfl@access.digex.com f p=2,3:2 s q=1 x "f f=3:2 q:f*f>p!'q s q=p#f" w:q p,?$x\8+1*8 -- rbotting@wiley.csusb.edu. rbotting::=`Dr. Richard J. Botting`, wiley::=`Faculty EMail System`, csusb::=`California State University, San Bernardino, CA 92407, USA`. Aka::=`dick@doc.csci.csusb.edu`. Disclaimer::=`CSUSB may or may not agree with this message`. Copyright(1994)::=`Copy and use as you wish as long as you include this copyright and signature`. Ask me about our new Masters degree in Computer Science! From rbotting@wiley.csusb.edu Fri Apr 1 13:44 PST 1994 Date: Fri, 1 Apr 1994 13:44:30 -0800 From: rbotting@wiley.csusb.edu ("Dr. Richard Botting") Subject: (fwd) Re: First quantum parallel computer announced Newsgroups: comp.theory,sci.physics,sci.math Path: csus.edu!csulb.edu!library.ucla.edu!galaxy.ucr.edu!galaxy.ucr.edu!not-for-mail From: dixon@galaxy.ucr.edu (david dixon) Newsgroups: comp.theory,sci.physics,sci.math Subject: Re: First quantum parallel computer announced Date: 1 Apr 1994 11:27:29 -0800 Organization: University of California, Riverside Distribution: inet Message-ID: <2nhsj1$6rm@galaxy.ucr.edu> NNTP-Posting-Host: galaxy.ucr.edu Xref: csus.edu comp.theory:7589 sci.physics:63819 sci.math:56464 In article <2nga7r$ddo@access2.digex.net>, Keith F. Lynch wrote: >The hardware we're using consists of an ordinary 486-based PC. We >place it in a Schroedinger cat-box, which is what allows the quantum ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ How do you keep Schrodinger cat shit out of the floppy drive? I suppose it isn't a problem, since you really only have to deal with the superposition 1/sqrt(2)(|shit> + |shitless>). Perhaps you could use your computer to prove Ludwig Plutonium's theories correct. Or better yet, have ESP communication with Jack Sarfatti. Dave -- rbotting@wiley.csusb.edu. rbotting::=`Dr. Richard J. Botting`, wiley::=`Faculty EMail System`, csusb::=`California State University, San Bernardino, CA 92407, USA`. Aka::=`dick@doc.csci.csusb.edu`. Disclaimer::=`CSUSB may or may not agree with this message`. Copyright(1994)::=`Copy and use as you wish as long as you include this copyright and signature`. Ask me about our new Masters degree in Computer Science! From rbotting@wiley.csusb.edu Mon Apr 4 10:30 PDT 1994 Date: Mon, 4 Apr 1994 10:31:00 -0700 From: rbotting@wiley.csusb.edu ("Dr. Richard Botting") Subject: (fwd) Re: First quantum parallel computer announced Newsgroups: comp.theory,sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology,talk.bizarre Path: csus.edu!wupost!math.ohio-state.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!newsserver.jvnc.net!raffles.technet.sg!nuscc.nus.sg!matmcinn From: matmcinn@leonis.nus.sg (Matthew MacIntyre) Newsgroups: comp.theory,sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology,talk.bizarre Subject: Re: First quantum parallel computer announced Followup-To: comp.theory,sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology,talk.bizarre Date: 4 Apr 1994 02:50:30 GMT Organization: National University of Singapore Distribution: inet Message-ID: <2nnv9m$fju@nuscc.nus.sg> NNTP-Posting-Host: leonis.nus.sg X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL0] Xref: csus.edu comp.theory:7605 sci.physics:63917 alt.religion.kibology:25549 talk.bizarre:132388 Keith F. Lynch (kfl@access.digex.net) wrote: : Here at Northern Virginia University, we've just developed the world's : first quantum parallel computer. This makes use of the well known : principle of quantum superposition to effectively parallelize a : computation as if the one processor was ten to the trillionth power : processors or more. Yeah,yeah, we did all that over here at the National University of Senegal years ago. Trouble is, we always found that crucial parts of the calculation would end up in parallel Everett Universes in which quantum mechanics is not true. Lost a lot of Universes that way. And computations. And grants. -- rbotting@wiley.csusb.edu. rbotting::=`Dr. Richard J. Botting`, wiley::=`Faculty EMail System`, csusb::=`California State University, San Bernardino, CA 92407, USA`. Aka::=`dick@doc.csci.csusb.edu`. Disclaimer::=`CSUSB may or may not agree with this message`. Copyright(1994)::=`Copy and use as you wish as long as you include this copyright and signature`. Ask me about our new Masters degree in Computer Science! From rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu Tue Apr 5 10:31 PDT 1994 From: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee) Subject: Info Highway Legislation - I don't believe this! Date: Tue, 5 Apr 1994 10:29:56 -0700 (PDT) Cc: shiery@fullerton.edu, bryan@wiley.csusb.edu (Beverly Ryan), dick@silicon.csci.csusb.edu Forwarded message: From rmoran Tue Apr 5 10:22:37 1994 From: rmoran (Ross Moran) Subject: Info Highway Legislation Date: Tue, 5 Apr 1994 10:22:36 -0700 (PDT) Subject: Congress at it again. Date: 2 Apr 1994 20:13:46 -0800 From: Setheni Davidson (CompuCom) Trust Congress? Not With This Unbelieveable Lair of Slop PC Computing, April 1994, page 88. By John C. Dvorak When Vice President Gore began talking about the Information Highway, we all knew the bureaucrats would get involved more than we might like. In fact, it may already be too late to stop a horrible Senate bill from becoming law. The moniker -- Information Highway -- itself seems to be responsible for SB #040194. Introduced by Senator Patrick Leahy, it's designed to prohibit anyone from using a public computer network (Information Highway) while the computer user is intoxicated. I know how silly this sounds, but Congress apparently thinks that being drunk on a highway is bad no matter what kind of highway it is. The bill is expected to pass this month. There already are rampant arguments as to how this proposed law can possibly be enforced. The FBI hopes to use it as an excuse to do routine wiretaps on any computer if there is any evidence that the owner "uses or abuses alcohol and has access to a modem." Note how it slips in the word 'uses'. This means if you've been seen drinking one lone beer, you can have your line tapped. Because this law would be so difficult to enforce, police officials are drooling over the prospect of easily obtaining permits to do wiretaps. Ask enforcement officials in Washington and they'll tell you the proposed law is idiotic, but none will oppose it. Check the classified ads in the "Washington Post" and you'll find the FBI, National Security Agency, and something called the Online Enforcement Agency (when did they set that up?) all soliciting experts in phone technology, specifically wiretapping. It gets worse. The Congressional Record of February 19, 1994, has a report that outlines the use of computerized BBSes, Internet, Inter-Relay Chat, and CompuServe CB as "propagating illicit sexual encounters and meetings between couples -- any of whom are underage... Even people purporting to routinely have sex with animals are present on these systems to foster their odd beliefs on the public-at-large." A rider on SB #040194 makes it a felony to discuss sexual matters on any public-access network, including the Internet, America Online, and CompuServe. I wondered how private companies such as America Online can be considered public-access networks, so I called Senator Barbara Boxer's office and talked to an aide, a woman named Felicia. She said the use of promotional cards that give away a free hour or two of service constitues public access. You know, like the ones found in the back of books or in modem boxes. She also told me most BBS systems fall under this proposed statute. When asked how they propose to enforce this law, she said it's not Congress's problem. "Enforcement works itself out over time," she said. The group fighting this moronic law is led by Jerome Bernstein of the Washington law firm of Bernstein, Bernstein and Knowles (the firm that first took Ollie North as a client). I couldn't get in touch with any of the co-sponsors of the bill (including Senator Ted Kennedy, if you can believe it!), but Bernstein was glad to talk. "These people have no clue about the Information Highway or what it does. The whole thing got started last Christmas during an antidrinking campaign in the Washington D.C., metro area," Bernstein said, "I'm convinced someone jokingly told Leahy's office about drunk driving on the Information High and the idea snowballed. These senators actually think there is a physical highway. Seriously, Senator Pat Moynihan asked me if you needed a driving permit to 'drive' a modem on the Information Highway! He has no clue what a modem is, and neither does the rest of Congress." According to Bernstein, the antisexual wording in the bill was attributed to Kennedy's office. "Kennedy thought that technology was leaving him behind, and he wanted to be perceived as more up-to-date technologically. He also though this would make amends for his alleged philandering." Unfortunately, the public is not much better informed than the Senate. The Gallup Organization, at the behest of Congress, is polling the public regarding intoxication while using a computer and online "hot chatting." The results are chilling. More than half of the public thinks that using a computer while intoxicated should be illegal! The results of the sexuality poll are not available. But one question, "Should a teenage boy be encouraged to pretend he is a girl while chatting with another person online?" has civil rights activists alarmed. According to Kevin Avril of the ACLU, "This activity doesn't even qualify as virtual cross-dressing. Who cares about this stuff? What are we going to do? Legislate an anti-boys-will-be-boys law? It sets a bad precedent." I could go on and on with quotes and complaints from people regarding this bill. But most of the complaints are getting nowhere. Pressure groups, such as one led by Baptist ministers from De Kalb County, Georgia, are supporting the law with such vehemence that they've managed to derail an effort by modem manufacturers (the biggest being Georgia-based Hayes) to lobby against the law. "Who wants to come out and support drunkenness and computer sex?" asked a congressman who requested anonymity. So, except for Bernstein, Bernstein, and Knowles, and a few members of the ACLU, there is nothing to stop this bill from becoming law. You can register your protests with your congressperson or Ms. Lirpa Sloof in the Senate Legislative Analysts Office. Her name spelled backward says it all. --------------------------------------------- L8R Todd From hchilver Wed Apr 20 20:48 PDT 1994 Date: Wed, 20 Apr 94 20:48:17 PDT From: hchilver (Henry Chilvers) Subject: computer virus humor X-Sun-Charset: US-ASCII Here are some of the more recient viruses that are going around.... BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. (But that part will never work again.) OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB. AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:>. POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism." RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives. ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits. MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run. TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network. DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour out watt! GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it. FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer. GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.) TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort" "Retry" "Fail" message. TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard. PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money. ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America. OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder. NIKE VIRUS: Just does it. SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks. JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything. KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy. IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy. STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before. HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500. GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs....No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus. CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT. LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self defense". CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it. ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS - Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, it's programmer will take it back. Use your virus scan, don't let any of these viruses happen to your PC! From hchilver Fri Apr 22 11:01 PDT 1994 Date: Fri, 22 Apr 94 11:01:26 PDT From: hchilver (Henry Chilvers) Subject: Microsoft & The BORG X-Sun-Charset: US-ASCII ---==< Forwards beamed into deep space >==--- "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?" "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology." "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?" "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate." "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?" "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions." "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea." From agelsomi Thu May 19 12:20 PDT 1994 From: agelsomi (Anthony Gelsomino) Subject: Not Feeling Well Date: Thu, 19 May 1994 12:16:11 -0700 (PDT) Dr. Botting, Just wanted to let you know that I wasn't in class this morning because I wasn't feeling very well. I'll see you tomorrow in 505. Anthony ======================================================================== Corny Joke Alert! Have you seen this one? A scientist, an engineer, and a mathematician go to a conference. They each take seperate and identical rooms in the local hotel. In the middle of the night, each wakes up in turn to find a fire in their room. The scientist says "Aha! I can put out the fire with water." He measures the fire, figures out exactly how much water it would take to put it out, then draws out just that amount of water and puts the fire out. Then he goes back to sleep. The engineer says "Aha! I can put out the fire with water." He measures the fire, figures out exactly how much water it would take to put it out, then draws out precisely three times that amount of water and puts the fire out. Then he goes back to sleep. The mathematician says "Aha! I can put out the fire with water." He measures the fire, figures out exactly how much water it would take to put it out, then declares "Aha! There is a solution!". Then he goes back to sleep. From rbotting@wiley.csusb.edu Thu May 26 15:06 PDT 1994 Date: Thu, 26 May 1994 15:06:47 -0700 From: rbotting@wiley.csusb.edu ("Dr. Richard Botting") Subject: (fwd) Home-groan name puns Newsgroups: alt.humor.puns Path: csus.edu!csulb.edu!library.ucla.edu!agate!howland.reston.ans.net!news.moneng.mei.com!uwm.edu!uwvax!grana.cs.wisc.edu!tonyrich From: tonyrich@grana.cs.wisc.edu (Tony Rich) Newsgroups: alt.humor.puns Subject: Home-groan name puns Date: 20 May 1994 11:32:27 GMT Organization: U of Wisconsin -- Eau Claire CS Dept Message-ID: <2ri74b$5vj@spool.cs.wisc.edu> NNTP-Posting-Host: grana.cs.wisc.edu Here are three story name puns from the hauls of UW-Eau Claire, all true. ----------------------------------------------------------------- It was near the end of the semester in which I had been teaching Software Engineering. Two of my students -- Mike White and Steve Barnet -- stopped at my office to complain about one of their team members who hadn't been pulling his weight. Mike did the complaining: "I was supposed to be our team's coder, and Lee Wong was supposed to be our designer. But he didn't do anything, so I ended up doing both the design AND the coding," Mike griped. "That's OK, Mike," I reassured him. "In fact, I'm glad it worked out that way, because I'm sure you did more than TWICE as much as Lee ever could have." Mike looked surprised at the unexpected compliment. "Want to know how I know that?" I asked, baiting him. "Yeah," he nibbled. "Because two Wongs don't make a White." -------------------------------------------------------------------- One day, Tom Moore (another faculty member) stopped in to ask if any e-mail software was available for our Mac lab. I told him there was a free program named POPMail that we could use, but I didn't know whether we could make adam, our lab server computer, act as a POP (Post Office Protocol) mail server. Tom was enthusiastic. "No problem," he said. "All we have to do is install 'popper'." (From this, I gathered that popper was some corny Unix program that could turn adam into a POP machine.) "Be sure to have Mike Prince do the installation," I told him. Mike works for Campus Networking. "Why Mike?" asked Tom, somewhat puzzled. "Because they go together," I explained. "The Prince and the popper." ------------------------------------------------------------------- A student got me with a good one in class. I don't bother to make seating charts, because I noticed that students tend to sit in in the same place every day anyway. So I learn my students' names by reading each name out loud and looking in the direction that student normally sits, in order to force my brain to associate the name with the face. (The name in brain lies mainly in a plane.) It takes me a few weeks to learn a whole classful of students' names, because I'm week-minded. (It takes longer if they're absent, because I'm absent-minded.) One day I called out "Jesse Brown" and looked to my left, but I didn't find him there. Instead, Jesse was sitting to my right. "Over here," he said. "Moving around on me, eh?" I chided him. "Brownian motion," he explained. -- rbotting@wiley.csusb.edu. rbotting::=`Dr. Richard J. Botting`, wiley::=`Faculty EMail System`, csusb::=`California State University, San Bernardino, CA 92407, USA`. Aka::=`dick@doc.csci.csusb.edu`. Disclaimer::=`CSUSB may or may not agree with this message`. Copyright(1994)::=`Copy and use as you wish as long as you include this copyright and signature`. Send EMail to gradinfo@silicon.csci.csusb.edu for info on a new Masters degree in Computer Science! From rbotting@wiley.csusb.edu Sat Oct 8 11:06 PDT 1994 From: rbotting@wiley.csusb.edu ("Dr. Richard Botting") Subject: A Crosspost from Eco... (fwd) Date: Sat, 8 Oct 1994 11:04:34 -0700 (PDT) Forwarded message: From rmcgee Fri Oct 7 08:58:41 1994 From: rmcgee (Rich McGee) Subject: A Crosspost from Eco... Date: Fri, 7 Oct 1994 08:58:41 -0700 (PDT) Cc: cbeeman (Chani Beeman), rbotting (Dr. Richard Botting) > >Listers, > > > > > >Sorry for those of you who've seen this on Phil-Lit (where Denis Dutton first > >posted it) but I know at least a few on this list who might be interested... > > > > > >*********************************** > > > > > >The following excerpts are from an English translation of Umberto > >Eco's back-page column, "La bustina di Minerva," in the Italian news > >weekly "Espresso," September 30, 1994. > > > > > >...."Insufficient consideration has been given to the new > >underground religious war which is modifying the modern world. It's > >an old idea of mine, but I find that whenever I tell people about it > >they immediately agree with me. > > > > "The fact is that the world is divided between users of the > >Macintosh computer and users of MS-DOS compatible computers. I am > >firmly of the opinion that the Macintosh is Catholic and that DOS is > >Protestant. Indeed, the Macintosh is counter-reformist and has been > >influenced by the 'ratio studiorum' of the Jesuits. It is cheerful, > >friendly, conciliatory, it tells the faithful how they must proceed > >step by step to reach--if not the Kingdom of Heaven--the moment in > >which their document is printed. It is catechistic: the essence of > >revelation is dealt with via simple formulae and sumptuous icons. > >Everyone has a right to salvation. > > > > "DOS is Protestant, or even Calvinistic. It allows free > >interpretation of scripture, demands difficult personal decisions, > >imposes a subtle hermeneutics upon the user, and takes for granted > >the idea that not all can reach salvation. To make the system work > >you need to interpret the program yourself: a long way from the > >baroque community of revellers, the user is closed within the > >loneliness of his own innter torment. > > > > "You may object that, with the passage to Windows, the DOS universe > >has come to resemble more closely the counter-reformist tolerance of > >the Macintosh. It's true: Windows represents an Anglican-style > >schism, big ceremonies in the cathedral, but there is always the > >possibility of a return to DOS to change things in accordance with > >bizarre decisions; when it comes down to it, you can decide to allow > >women and gays to be ministers if you want to. > >.... > > > > "And machine code, which lies beneath both systems (or > >environments, if you prefer)? Ah, that is to do with the Old > >Testament, and is talmudic and cabalistic..." > > > >*********************** > > > > > >I'm on a Mac. My father would be pleased. All that CCD has finally payed > >off. In the name of... > > > >--John > > > > > > From rbotting@wiley.csusb.edu Wed Oct 12 06:38 PDT 1994 From: rbotting@wiley.csusb.edu ("Dr. Richard Botting") Subject: (fwd) If cars were *really* like computers (fwd) Date: Wed, 12 Oct 1994 06:36:21 -0700 (PDT) Forwarded message: From rmcgee Sun Oct 9 11:18:48 1994 Date: Sun, 9 Oct 1994 11:18:47 -0700 From: rmcgee (Rich McGee) Subject: (fwd) If cars were *really* like computers Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Path: csus.edu!csusac!charnel.ecst.csuchico.edu!nic-nac.CSU.net!usc!howland.reston.ans.net!pipex!uunet!looking!funny-request Message-ID: Date: Sat, 8 Oct 94 12:20:01 EDT Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: If cars were *really* like computers From: dmh@tss.com (David Hull) Keywords: topical, chuckle,original, computers No, that was more like "If people expected cars to be like computers." If cars were like computers: HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "I can get in through the driver's side door just fine, but I can't open the passenger's side." HelpLine: "How did you try to open the passenger's side?" Customer: "I pulled up on the handle, just like on the other side." HelpLine: "People are always making that mistake. You have to push on the passenger's side. Remember, you're always moving the handle toward the left of the car. It's more consistent that way." HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "How do I turn my windshield wipers on?" HelpLine: "There's a little button on the radio console . . ." Customer: "Radio console??" HelpLine: "Yes, it's more efficient to have all the controls in one central position. Look for the one with a shape like a piece of pie on it." Customer: "And that's the windshield wiper button? I was always wondering what that did." HelpLine: "People are always asking that. You'd think they'd be more familiar with the principles of graphic design." HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "My car will go forward, but when I put it in reverse, nothing happens." HelpLine: "What model do you have?" Customer: "It's a brand new 1994 Mongoose." HelpLine: "Yes, but it is a 1994R with a big R or 1994r with a small r?" Customer: "I don't know. Let me find out and I'll call you back." HelpLine: "Alright, but let me tell you you've probably got the small r model. You'll need to upgrade to the big R version to go in reverse." HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "I just called about the car that wouldn't go in reverse." HelpLine: "Well, yes, we get a lot of calls about that." Customer: "It turns out I have the small r model. But I bought the one with the 'Reverse gear option'." HelpLine: "Yes, that's the option to upgrade to a reverse gear." Customer: "Why don't they all just come with a reverse gear in the first place?" HelpLine: "Well, that's very difficult to do, even for our world-class engineers, and not everyone may want it. Also, it makes the car more complicated to drive. So we offer it as an option to our 'power drivers'." Customer: "How come all the Jupiters have had it standard since 1974?" HelpLine" "Ahem. Well, yes, they're not a market leader, they're just for people who really like working on cars. If you really want to get involved in those kind complicated details, go right ahead . . ." But really, we're leaving out an important part: HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "My car just caught fire." HelpLine: "I see. And what model was it?" Customer: "1994r Mongoose." HelpLine: "Big or small . . ." Customer: " . . . small r." HelpLine: "And your registration number?" Customer: "426917-woof-271828-arf-314159-spam." HelpLine: "And where did you buy your car?" Customer: "Fast Eddie's Sports-o-rama in Glendale." HelpLine: "And what was the name of the salesman?" Customer: "I don't remember." HelpLine: "I see. Are you sure you didn't steal this car?" Customer: "Of course I didn't steal it!" HelpLine: "And would you be interested in purchasing our extended service contract?" --dmh -- Selected by Maddi Hausmann Sojourner. MAIL your joke to funny@clarinet.com. Please! No copyrighted stuff. Also no "mouse balls," dyslexic agnostics, Iraqi driver's ed, Administratium, strings in bar or bell-ringer jokes. From rbotting@wiley.csusb.edu Wed Oct 12 06:52 PDT 1994 From: rbotting@wiley.csusb.edu ("Dr. Richard Botting") Subject: Cars as computers Date: Wed, 12 Oct 1994 06:50:29 -0700 (PDT) Forwarded message: From daemon Wed Oct 12 06:30:33 1994 Date: Wed, 12 Oct 1994 06:30:32 -0700 From: MAILER-DAEMON (Mail Delivery Subsystem) Subject: Returned mail: Host unknown ----- Transcript of session follows ----- 550 silcion.csci.csusb.edu (tcpld)... 550 Host unknown 554 dick@silcion.csci.csusb.edu... 550 Host unknown (Authoritative answer from name server) ----- Recipients of this delivery ----- Bounced, cannot deliver: dick@silcion.csci.csusb.edu Sent successfully: rbotting ----- Unsent message follows ----- From: rbotting ("Dr. Richard Botting") Subject: (fwd) Latin 90 (fwd) Date: Wed, 12 Oct 1994 06:30:32 -0700 (PDT) Forwarded message: >From rmcgee Sat Oct 8 21:52:39 1994 Date: Sat, 8 Oct 1994 21:52:39 -0700 From: rmcgee (Rich McGee) Subject: (fwd) Latin 90 Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Path: csus.edu!uop!pacbell.com!ames!agate!howland.reston.ans.net!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!uunet.ca!uunet.ca!news.maplesoft.on.ca!dogmead!looking!funny-request Message-ID: Date: Thu, 6 Oct 94 19:30:04 EDT Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny From: dar@grettir.lanl.gov (David Rabson) Subject: Latin 90 Keywords: original, smirk, computers Professor Kard has been at the university for as long as anyone can remember, going back indeed to when everyone in the department spoke Latin on a daily basis. It is Kard's unshakable belief that things have gone down-hill ever since. "1H ,30HSMALL LETTERS ARE A NEOLOGISM," he always Hollers in faculty meetings, pointing out that classical writers couldn't possibly have used them. In our department, you can't say that the rules aren't carved in stone, as it is in stone that Kard did his best work thirty-five years ago, continues to do his work, and intends to go on doing his work. The academic journals have grown in the last thirty-five years. While it is hard to believe, Kard used to carve out his fluid- dynamics calculations on tiny 4-kilobyte stone tablets. Now he thinks nothing of allocating half a gigabyte (statically, since that's the only way he knows how), but he still does everything in Latin. Latin, in case you think I'm prejudiced, is a fine language for talking about gladiators and chariots and even for discussing Spinoza, but it stretches the vocabulary to solve differential equations in it, let alone write operating systems or look at chaotic trajectories. Kard's papers are unreadable by anyone else. Things got a little better around 1977, when a few (then) junior professors bullied him into structuring his DO loops and adding a few modern words. His code, however, still looked like Latin. Just the other day, Kard met me in the hallway (ave!) and started talking excitedly (forgive the free translation). "I'm finally going to get the rest of you to go back to talking Latin," he said. "How's that, Kard?" "I've thought about your objections, about the missing vocabulary and syntax" -- a few of us had recently been pestering him over structures and classes, although at the time none of it seemed to be sinking in, except to elicit the occasional comment about how anything worth doing could be done in the ablative -- "and I think I can meet your objections, on your own terms. "While strictly speaking it has no classical precedent, I've spent the last ten months building on the language, adding four new cases, five tenses, six conjugations, three-hundred-sixty new verbs, and 1144 new nouns. The grammar book, alas, no longer fits in the pocket, but at least you and the rest can stop complaining about the lack of flexibility. I call the modified language 'Latin-90'." He was true to his word. Latin-90 had all the structure and object orientation a writer could ask for. It accepted lower case letters (translating them internally to upper case), allowed for recursive argumentation, and discarded any special meaning column 72 might once have had. Julius Caesar wouldn't have been able to distinguish it from Gallic. To the rest of us, unfortunately, it still looks like Latin. It doesn't help that Kard has yet to produce a working set of chisels for it, and that the only papers written in Latin-90 still sit in Kard's brain. At least he put Holleramus constants to rest and no longer requires six spaces before each genitive. He'll probably be able to get some better work done in Latin-90, if he ever implements it. In the meantime, I shall continue to write in the vernacular. -- Selected by Maddi Hausmann Sojourner with Brad Templeton. MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com. If you see a problem with an RHF posting, reply to the poster please, not to us. Ask the poster to forward comments back to us if this is necessary. From rmallory@wiley.csusb.edu Tue Oct 25 23:51 PDT 1994 From: rmallory@wiley.csusb.edu (Rob Mallory) Subject: Forwarded mail... Date: Tue, 25 Oct 1994 23:49:03 -0700 (PDT) Forwarded message: From owner-freebsd-hackers Mon Oct 24 18:47:03 1994 Resent-To: freebsd-hackers@freefall.cdrom.com Resent-Organization: Olahm Ha-Yetzirah Resent-Date: Tue, 25 Oct 1994 04:38:50 +0300 Resent-From: "Andrew A. Chernov, Black Mage" Resent-X-Class: Fast From: "Victor A. Zelentsov" Date: Mon, 24 Oct 94 23:16:11 MSK Subject: (fwd) No Subject Line Newsgroups: relcom.humor Path: demos1!glas!NFMail!mac.glasnet.ru!mac From: mac@mac.glasnet.ru Newsgroups: relcom.humor Date: 23 Oct 94 02:54 GMT+0300 Subject: Full atas!! :-))) Message-ID: From: mac@mac.glasnet.ru (Paul Makeev) GONE Inc. is proud to announce new CD-ROM collection of software! Full 650 MBytes of useful utilities and reference material! Available in Low Mississippi, StoneFord and other formats. Operating systems. FreeLSD - bonus for our buyers. Just one precaution - do not eat too much, or your can leave the Universe due to big warp factor. OZ/2 - a real dream for hacker. Includes JSL debugger, complete "Lapse of reason", "Tiranosaurus Rex" and other videos. XO DDT - Xtra Open for Dummies DeskTop. Battle proven, fully supported, 32-bit version of popular Xebix OS. (No sources, sorry. Only binary version for HAL included). Kleenux - makes your EinTel computer run Doom faster. Soon available for Energizer PC. Mercy DOS - despite many don't regard this to be OS, we include it to fill up space. Features DoubleDecker disk expansion, resident HDD format utility and popular "Widows" movie. Fits almost all 5" form-factor drives. A collection of useful you-nicks utilities. autologin - makes random user logins in specified period of tty inactivity. screen burner - burns your favorite image on the screen, so you can see it even during powerdown. ungetty - security tool, sending messages "NO CARRIER", "NO DIALTONE" and "AT&T\nERROR" to your favorite user(s). blind - new version of resolver, asks user about corresponding address to reduce network traffic. rooted - AI program, trying to grow roots in all possible directions to establish IRC connections. emin - extremly powerful text editor, exploiting only two primitives - Drag and Drop. traceroot - discovers your origin from any historical person. Compilers. Maple-78 - brand new mil-spec realtime language. Just released. Collected almost all garbage. BaySick-94 - new pessimizing version of fool-proven environment. Why spend time debugging code? - All you wrote is correct and running! See-Plus - never heard of colliding types, polymorphs, trifeets? Want to play with folding pointers and portable chars? Just try this brilliant package from Ostrich Inc. Also included: pong (says "elvis is alive" without actually pinging the host), ddd (version of ppp for reversed cables), Frame Delay router, X.25/V.25 gate, software version of 110V 60Hz/220V 50Hz transformer (great for your laptop), atomic alarm daemon, "How to send signals to ETI with your microwave" book, ISO-OSI translation toolkit and much more. Contact sales@gone.com to get more info. -- (c) 1994 mac@glas.apc.org From msiegel@iris.csci.csusb.edu Sun Oct 30 12:01 PST 1994 Date: Sun, 30 Oct 94 11:51:44 -0800 From: msiegel@iris.csci.csusb.edu (Mark Siegel) Subject: I came across this... and thought you'd like it. Q. How much time would it take to factor a 100 digit prime number? Mark 8-) PS A new twist on 'How much dirt is in a hole 3'x4'x5' ?'  From dick@blaze.csci.csusb.edu Fri Dec 16 12:45 PST 1994 id AA12267; Fri, 16 Dec 1994 12:37:46 -0800 Date: Fri, 16 Dec 1994 12:37:46 -0800 From: dick@blaze.csci.csusb.edu (Dr. Richard Botting) Subject: (fwd) Re: Bjarne's defence of C++ (Was: Re: Widespread C++ Competency Gap?) Newsgroups: comp.lang.c++,comp.lang.c,comp.object,comp.lang.misc,comp.std.c++ Organization: CS Dept., Calif. State Univ., San Bernardino Path: csus.edu!decwrl!olivea!hookup!swrinde!gatech!europa.eng.gtefsd.com!news.umbc.edu!eff!blanket.mitre.org!linus.mitre.org!linus!mbunix!emery From: emery@goldfinger.mitre.org (David Emery) Newsgroups: comp.lang.c++,comp.lang.c,comp.object,comp.lang.misc,comp.std.c++ Subject: Re: Bjarne's defence of C++ (Was: Re: Widespread C++ Competency Gap?) Date: 15 Dec 94 14:29:02 Organization: The Mitre Corp., Bedford, MA. Message-ID: <3cpqefINNaud@ford.is.wdi.disney.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: goldfinger.mitre.org In-reply-to: thant@disney.com's message of 15 Dec 1994 16:21:35 GMT Xref: csus.edu comp.lang.c++:94463 comp.lang.c:89114 comp.object:22561 comp.lang.misc:14156 comp.std.c++:11789 >When all you have is a hammer, every screw looks like a nail with >threads. And when all you have is a screwdriver, you end up screwing everything... dave -- --The preceeding opinions do not necessarily reflect the opinions of --The MITRE Corporation or its sponsors. -- "A good plan violently executed -NOW- is better than a perfect plan -- next week" George Patton -- "Any damn fool can write a plan. It's the execution that gets you -- all screwed up" James Hollingsworth ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -- EMail: dick@csci.csusb.edu=rbotting@wiley.csusb.edu. ftp://ftp.csci.csusb.edu/dick WWW Disclaimer::=`CSUSB may or may not agree with this message`. Copyright(1994)::=`Copy as long as you include this copyright and signature`. From rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu Sat Dec 17 22:18 PST 1994 Date: Sat, 17 Dec 1994 22:15:11 -0800 From: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee) Subject: (fwd) The Bug Came Back Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: The Bug Came Back From: polowin@chem.queensu.ca (Joel Polowin) Keywords: topical, original, computers, smirk, parody Path: csus.edu!decwrl!lll-winken.llnl.gov!sol.ctr.columbia.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!looking!funny-request Message-ID: Date: Thu, 15 Dec 94 12:20:04 EST This is dedicated to the nice folks at Intel. Who'd've thought it could be a *hardware* bug..? ---------- The Bug Came Back Words: Joel Polowin Music: "The Cat Came Back" by Harry S. Miller The program wasn't complex, and it wasn't very long, Though it seemed a bit erratic, its results were seldom wrong. But that little error nagged us, so we stayed up late one night - Found a missing comma, and we thought that fixed it right - (Chorus:) But the bug came back, the very next day The bug came back, we thought it was a gonner But the bug came back, it just wouldn't stay away. We put away our documents, rewrote the code from scratch To find out where the new and older versions didn't match. A subtle shift of logic showed where we had gone astray; We felt a bit embarrassed, but at least it ran okay - (Chorus) We wrote in other languages, from FORTH to APL And ev'ry one ran ev'ry time - just sometimes not too well. Translation to assembler didn't give us any clue; The COBOL version crashed on ev'ry system it went through - (Chorus) We gave it to the hacker squad - the folks who code for fun - And asked them if they couldn't get the stupid thing to run. But less than one week later, they no longer wished to play - Three paranoids... one suicide... and six who ran away... (Chorus) We got a summer student in to check the code by hand, With paper, pen and calculator, run through each command, But suddenly the lights went out -- the air went thin and queer -- A sudden FLASH! of lightning -- and the student... disappeared..? (Chorus) (Last verse and associated alternate chorus are optional:) We set up an experiment that Schrodinger inspired: A box; a cat; some poison; a computer system wired Such that IF the program failed, the little moggy would be gassed. A quasar was - almost - the only remnant of the blast... But the cat came back the very next day The bug came back, we thought they were a gonner But they both came back, they just wouldn't stay away --------------- Words copyright (C) 1991 by Joel Polowin. Permission is hereby granted to reproduce this material in any non-profit medium provided that its content is not altered and that this notice is appended. I would appreciate receiving a copy of any publication in which it appears: Joel Polowin / 205 Toronto St. / Kingston, Ontario / CANADA / K7L 4A9 polowin@silicon.chem.QueensU.CA, polowinj@qucdn.QueensU.CA -- Selected by Maddi Hausmann Sojourner. MAIL your joke to funny@clarinet.com. Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply. If you don't need an auto-reply, submit to rhf@clarinet.com instead. From murphy@orion Thu Dec 22 12:50 PST 1994 From: murphy@orion.csci.csusb.edu (Owen Murphy) Subject: The [New] Evolution of a Programmer (fwd) Date: Thu, 22 Dec 1994 12:46:45 -0800 (PST) A friend at the University of Washington sent me this. > > [... Headers are deleted to protect the guilty parties...] > > Subject: FW: The Evolution of a Programmer > Date: Wed, 21 Dec 94 12:07:00 PST > Encoding: 407 TEXT > > > Subject: FW: The Evolution of a Programmer > > High School/Jr.High > =================== > > 10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD" > 20 END > > First year in College > ===================== > program Hello(input, output) > begin > writeln('Hello World') > end. > > Senior year in College > ====================== > (defun hello > (print > (cons 'Hello (list 'World)))) > > New professional > ================ > #include > void main(void) > { > char *message[ = {"Hello ", "World"}; > int i; > > for(i = 0; i < 2; ++i) > printf("%s", message[); > printf("\n"); > } > > Seasoned professional > ===================== > #include > #include > > class string > { > private: > int size; > char *ptr; > > public: > string() : size(0), ptr(new char('\0')) {} > > string(const string &s) : size(s.size) > { > ptr = new char[size + 1]; > strcpy(ptr, s.ptr); > } > > ~string() > { > delete [] ptr; > } > > friend ostream &operator <<(ostream &, const string &); > string &operator=(const char *); > }; > > ostream &operator<<(ostream &stream, const string &s) > { > return(stream << s.ptr); > } > > string &string::operator=(const char *chrs) > { > if (this != &chrs) > { > delete [] ptr; > size = strlen(chrs); > ptr = new char[size + 1]; > strcpy(ptr, chrs); > } > return(*this); > } > > int main() > { > string str; > > str = "Hello World"; > cout << str << endl; > > return(0); > } > > Master Programmer > ================= > [ > uuid(2573F8F4-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820) > ] > library LHello > { > // bring in the master library > importlib("actimp.tlb"); > importlib("actexp.tlb"); > > // bring in my interfaces > #include "pshlo.idl" > > [ > uuid(2573F8F5-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820) > ] > cotype THello > { > interface IHello; > interface IPersistFile; > }; > }; > > [ > exe, > uuid(2573F890-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820) > ] > module CHelloLib > { > > // some code related header files > importheader(); > importheader(); > importheader(); > importheader("pshlo.h"); > importheader("shlo.hxx"); > importheader("mycls.hxx"); > > // needed typelibs > importlib("actimp.tlb"); > importlib("actexp.tlb"); > importlib("thlo.tlb"); > > [ > uuid(2573F891-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820), > aggregatable > ] > coclass CHello > { > cotype THello; > }; > }; > > > #include "ipfix.hxx" > > extern HANDLE hEvent; > > class CHello : public CHelloBase > { > public: > IPFIX(CLSID_CHello); > > CHello(IUnknown *pUnk); > ~CHello(); > > HRESULT __stdcall PrintSz(LPWSTR pwszString); > > private: > static int cObjRef; > }; > > > #include > #include > #include > #include > #include "thlo.h" > #include "pshlo.h" > #include "shlo.hxx" > #include "mycls.hxx" > > int CHello::cObjRef = 0; > > CHello::CHello(IUnknown *pUnk) : CHelloBase(pUnk) > { > cObjRef++; > return; > } > > HRESULT __stdcall CHello::PrintSz(LPWSTR pwszString) > { > printf("%ws\n", pwszString); > return(ResultFromScode(S_OK)); > } > > > CHello::~CHello(void) > { > > // when the object count goes to zero, stop the server > cObjRef--; > if( cObjRef == 0 ) > PulseEvent(hEvent); > > return; > } > > #include > #include > #include "pshlo.h" > #include "shlo.hxx" > #include "mycls.hxx" > > HANDLE hEvent; > > int _cdecl main( > int argc, > char * argv[] > ) { > ULONG ulRef; > DWORD dwRegistration; > CHelloCF *pCF = new CHelloCF(); > > hEvent = CreateEvent(NULL, FALSE, FALSE, NULL); > > // Initialize the OLE libraries > CoInitializeEx(NULL, COINIT_MULTITHREADED); > > CoRegisterClassObject(CLSID_CHello, pCF, CLSCTX_LOCAL_SERVER, > REGCLS_MULTIPLEUSE, &dwRegistration); > > // wait on an event to stop > WaitForSingleObject(hEvent, INFINITE); > > // revoke and release the class object > CoRevokeClassObject(dwRegistration); > ulRef = pCF->Release(); > > // Tell OLE we are going away. > CoUninitialize(); > > return(0); } > > extern CLSID CLSID_CHello; > extern UUID LIBID_CHelloLib; > > CLSID CLSID_CHello = { /* 2573F891-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820 */ > 0x2573F891, > 0xCFEE, > 0x101A, > { 0x9A, 0x9F, 0x00, 0xAA, 0x00, 0x34, 0x28, 0x20 } > }; > > UUID LIBID_CHelloLib = { /* 2573F890-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820 */ > 0x2573F890, > 0xCFEE, > 0x101A, > { 0x9A, 0x9F, 0x00, 0xAA, 0x00, 0x34, 0x28, 0x20 } > }; > > #include > #include > #include > #include > #include > #include "pshlo.h" > #include "shlo.hxx" > #include "clsid.h" > > int _cdecl main( > int argc, > char * argv[] > ) { > HRESULT hRslt; > IHello *pHello; > ULONG ulCnt; > IMoniker * pmk; > WCHAR wcsT[_MAX_PATH]; > WCHAR wcsPath[2 * _MAX_PATH]; > > // get object path > wcsPath[0] = '\0'; > wcsT[0] = '\0'; > if( argc > 1) { > mbstowcs(wcsPath, argv[1], strlen(argv[1]) + 1); > wcsupr(wcsPath); > } > else { > fprintf(stderr, "Object path must be specified\n"); > return(1); > } > > // get print string > if(argc > 2) > mbstowcs(wcsT, argv[2], strlen(argv[2]) + 1); > else > wcscpy(wcsT, L"Hello World"); > > printf("Linking to object %ws\n", wcsPath); > printf("Text String %ws\n", wcsT); > > // Initialize the OLE libraries > hRslt = CoInitializeEx(NULL, COINIT_MULTITHREADED); > > if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) { > > > hRslt = CreateFileMoniker(wcsPath, &pmk); > if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) > hRslt = BindMoniker(pmk, 0, IID_IHello, (void **)&pHello); > > if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) { > > // print a string out > pHello->PrintSz(wcsT); > > Sleep(2000); > ulCnt = pHello->Release(); > } > else > printf("Failure to connect, status: %lx", hRslt); > > // Tell OLE we are going away. > CoUninitialize(); > } > > return(0); > } > > > > Apprentice Hacker > =================== > #!/usr/local/bin/perl > $msg="Hello, world.\n"; > if ($#ARGV >= 0) { > while(defined($arg=shift(@ARGV))) { > $outfilename = $arg; > open(FILE, ">" . $outfilename) || die "Can't write $arg: $!\n"; > print (FILE $msg); > close(FILE) || die "Can't close $arg: $!\n"; > } > } else { > print ($msg); > } > 1; > > > > Experienced Hacker > =================== > #include > #define S "Hello, World\n" > main(){exit(printf(S) == strlen(S) ? 0 : 1);} > > > > Seasoned Hacker > =================== > % cc -o a.out ~/src/misc/hw/hw.c > % a.out > > > > Guru Hacker > =================== > % cat > Hello, world. > ^D > > > > New Manager > =================== > 10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD" > 20 END > > > > Middle Manager > =================== > mail -s "Hello, world." bob@b12 > Bob, could you please write me a program that prints "Hello, > world."? > I need it by tomorrow. > ^D > > > > Senior Manager > =================== > % zmail jim > I need a "Hello, world." program by this afternoon. > > > > Chief Executive > =================== > % letter > letter: Command not found. > % mail > To: ^X ^F ^C > % help mail > help: Command not found. > % damn! > !: Event unrecognized > % logout > > > > > > ----- End Included Message ----- > > > From jeaston@orion Fri Jan 13 22:57 PST 1995 From: jeaston@orion.csci.csusb.edu (James Easton) Subject: amusing stuff Date: Fri, 13 Jan 1995 22:57:11 -0800 (PST) > > ----- Begin Included Message ----- > > >From cardiff!cardiff.com!sedl@uunet.uu.net Thu Dec 8 17:15:35 1994 > Date: Thu, 8 Dec 94 16:08:04 PST > From: sedl@cardiff.com (Michael Sedlmayer) > To: sedlhele@isu.edu, rod@angel.com, mjoc@mit.edu, sandy@ari.com, > susan.hagedorn@artecon.com, steveb@Access.COM, sai@hooked.net, > shh@inel.gov, harry@solsource.com, caustin@usr.com > Subject: OS Shopping > > > Operating Systems > ================= > > Here's what driving to the supermarket would be like if an operating > system ran your car... > > MS-DOS: You get into the car and try to remember where you put the > keys. > > Windows: You get in the car and drive to the supermarket very slowly > because, attached to the back, is a freight train. > > Mac System 7: You get into the car and the car, all by itself, drives you > to church. > > Unix: You get in the car and type "grep supermarket". After > reaching speeds of up to 200 miles an hour you arrive at the > barber's shop. > > Windows NT: You get in the car and write a letter that says "Go to the > supermarket". Then you get out of the car, place the letter > on the dashboard and wait for something to happen. But all > the car does is blow its own horn. > > OS/2: After fuelling up with 6000 gallons of high-test gas, you get > in the car and go to the supermarket with a motorcycle escort. > Half-way there the car blows up, killing everyone in town. > > > > ----- End Included Message ----- > From csus.edu!csusac!charnel.ecst.csuchico.edu!olivea!hookup!news.mathworks.com!uhog.mit.edu!sgiblab!swrinde!howland.reston.ans.net!torn!newshub.ccs.yorku.ca!nexus.yorku.ca!peter Sun Feb 12 12:47:50 1995 Newsgroups: sci.math Path: csus.edu!csusac!charnel.ecst.csuchico.edu!olivea!hookup!news.mathworks.com!uhog.mit.edu!sgiblab!swrinde!howland.reston.ans.net!torn!newshub.ccs.yorku.ca!nexus.yorku.ca!peter From: peter@nexus.yorku.ca (Peter Roosen-Runge) Subject: Re: What's Purple and Commutes? Message-ID: Originator: peter@nexus.yorku.ca Organization: York University, Toronto, Canada Date: Sun, 12 Feb 1995 03:13:39 GMT Expires: Sat, 11 Feb 1995 05:00:00 GMT Wayne Watson writes: >Date: Sun, 5 Feb 1995 06:55:23 GMT [snip, snip] >Answer: An Abelian Grape. >(Yes, this is an old grape joke, but I couldn't resist.) I was so happy to see this again, after so many years, and now *I* can't resist: Question: What's yellow and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice? Answer: Zorn's Lemon . . . . Peter Roosen-Runge From csus.edu!csulb.edu!nic-nac.CSU.net!usc!howland.reston.ans.net!torn!newshost.uwo.ca!julian.uwo.ca!skarkhan Sun Feb 12 12:48:18 1995 Path: csus.edu!csulb.edu!nic-nac.CSU.net!usc!howland.reston.ans.net!torn!newshost.uwo.ca!julian.uwo.ca!skarkhan From: skarkhan@julian.uwo.ca (s. karkhanis) Newsgroups: sci.math Subject: Re: What's Purple and Commutes? Date: 12 Feb 1995 17:41:07 GMT Organization: University of Western Ontario, London, Ont. Canada Message-ID: <3hlh7j$sjo@falcon.ccs.uwo.ca> NNTP-Posting-Host: julian.uwo.ca In article , Peter Roosen-Runge wrote: >Wayne Watson writes: > >>Date: Sun, 5 Feb 1995 06:55:23 GMT > >[snip, snip] > >>Answer: An Abelian Grape. >>(Yes, this is an old grape joke, but I couldn't resist.) > > >I was so happy to see this again, after so many years, and now *I* >can't resist: > >Question: What's yellow and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice? > >Answer: Zorn's Lemon > > > . . . . Peter Roosen-Runge > > What's non-orientable and lives in the sea? answer: Mobius Dick. Simba Karkhanis Dept. of Mathematics University of Western Ontario From csus.edu!csulb.edu!library.ucla.edu!agate!newsxfer.itd.umich.edu!zip.eecs.umich.edu!newshost.marcam.com!news.mathworks.com!news.alpha.net!uwm.edu!omnifest.uwm.edu!omnifest.uwm.edu!not-for-mail Sun Feb 12 12:53:04 1995 Path: csus.edu!csulb.edu!library.ucla.edu!agate!newsxfer.itd.umich.edu!zip.eecs.umich.edu!newshost.marcam.com!news.mathworks.com!news.alpha.net!uwm.edu!omnifest.uwm.edu!omnifest.uwm.edu!not-for-mail From: mark@omnifest.uwm.edu (Mark Hopkins) Newsgroups: sci.math Subject: The Untold Story of Induction (was ... Premises?) Date: 12 Feb 1995 01:44:26 -0600 Organization: Omnifest Distribution: na Message-ID: <3hke8q$c6g@omnifest.uwm.edu> NNTP-Posting-Host: 129.89.70.58 From dedavis@site.gmu.edu: > Hello, Hello. > During my career as a student, I have been expected to use "proof by > induction" a few times. However, I would be interested in finding out the > premises upon which "proof by induction" are based - i.e. why is it that a > statement should be valid for ALL n beyond the initial case? The thoughts of > what may happen in between bugs me. Light anyone? Thanks. Consider the following situation: (a) A statement holds true of 0. (b) The statement also holds true of any number one greater than any other number for which it holds true. Condition (b) expands into an infinite set of conditions: (b0) If the statement is true of 0, then it's true of 1. (b1) If the statement is true of 1, then it's true of 2. (b2) If the statement is true of 2, then it's true of 3. and so on. (a) says it's true of 0, (a) and (b0) together imply that it's true of 1, (a), (b0) and (b1) together imply that it's true of 2. and so on. Back in 1926 a convention of mathematicians got together in Copehnagen to try and interpret the implications of all this. Early on, they decided to try and enumerate all the logically possible cases to see if there were any counter-exceptions -- numbers which could not be reached by this rather elaborate chain of reasoning. The hours went on and pretty soon it became apparent that everything was getting bogged down. So after about 16 hours they decided double the pace of their search. Still, things started getting bogged down again, but this time it took less time to realise it so after about 8 hours they doubled their pace again. Four more hours elapsed and they still got nowhere. So they once again doubled the rate of their search. Two hours later -- nothing. They doubled their pace again -- and again after another hour, then after 30 minutes, then after 15, then 450 seconds, then 225 seconds -- by which time they were searching through all the numbers for a counter-exception at more than 250 times their original pace. Yet they still found nothing. So after another 112500 milliseconds, they double their pace, and doubled it again after another 56750 milliseconds. Nothing. Pretty soon they were redoubling their pace in a frenzy, even as soon as a femtosecond after the previous doubling. In a VERY short time after that (in fact, less than a femtosecond later), they were searching out counter-exceptions at more than 10 to the 40th times their original pace, and this was only a couple minutes after they were going at a mere 250 times their original pace. At that point, something odd happened, which to this day has never been adequately explained but which was long ago anticipated by an old Greek codger named Zeno, so they decided to call it quits, and this was a mere 10 to the 40th of a second shy of 32 hours into their search. So they established a convention which says that whenever conditions such as (a) and (b) are encountered, one shall be allowed to interpret these conditions as implying (c). And shortly after the convention came to a close its resolution was incorporated into the legal structures of the members of the League of Nations. This, of course, led to a great deal of controversy and dissension which ultimately resulted in the Incompleteness Theorem of Goedel, and the breakup of the League of Nations and eventually World War II, and the first Nuclear Bomb. To this day, the accord is known as the Copenhagen Interpretation. In 1959, during a late night reverie after a trip or two to the local bar, a logician named Robinson discovered the First Number that Lay Beyond the Chain of Reasoning enumerated by (a), (b0), (b1)... It was so immensely huge that it took a whole lot of effort to write down, but he managed to cram it into the margin of his notebook undergoing a process very similar to what the Copenhagen Convention underwent. Needless to say, his hands were fairly tired writing, so in the following month the first computer languages (LISP and FORTRAN) were invented so allow Robinson to write out the big numbers automatically. A few flaws in the design of the languages hung up the process for the better part of 25 years and it wasn't until around 1985 that the first language with the ability to deal with infinite lists of numbers was first installed on a machine. Needless to say, it has some serious efficiency problems but it spawned a lot of other languages that to this day are known as Functional Languages (called so because they were reputed to actually work!) Since the discovery went against the Copenhagen Interpretation, it was considered taboo and a Big No-No, so as a result the new field of study was named Non-Standard Analysis. From that day on mathematicians and physicists alike began to talk quietly about huge numbers and their reciprocals, for which the term "infinitesimal" was coined in 1962 partly in commemoration of the Bears following their two games against the Packers that season. Needless to say, many mathematicians became extremely uneasy following the repeat of the infinitesimal performance of the 1962 Bears in the 1994 NFL season, hence the topicality of the issue of Non-Standard Analysis in this newsgroup and discussions of whether .999 repeating is actually 1 or not. After the discovery of the Infinitesimal, a new group was formed which published propaganda in the form of math texts under a group name, but whose true identity was guarded by an oath of secrecy. As part of the secret initiation rite it was declared that one must renounce all claims contrary to the Copenhagen Interpretation and accept it at face value. So to this day, it is known as the Induction Principle. Most active theoretical mathematicians and applied mathematicians are (secretly) members of the group, and the publication of most journals and periodicals under their control. This, of course, can be seen clearly by the remarkably uniform and unbelievably arcance and obfuscated writing style used in their publications. So Induction says that whenever a situation holds where (a) and (b) occur, then one is allowed to infer (c). ... and that no other numbers exist but those that can be reached by (a) and successive applications of (b). From csus.edu!dick Wed Feb 15 11:18:50 1995 Path: csus.edu!dick From: dick@silicon.csci.csusb.edu (Dr. Richard Botting) Newsgroups: sci.math Subject: Re: Proof against proof Date: 12 Feb 1995 21:09:32 GMT Organization: CS Dept., Calif. State Univ., San Bernardino Message-ID: <3hltec$ipd@news.csus.edu> NNTP-Posting-Host: dick%@blaze.csci.csusb.edu X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2] In theory what you do is check the steps in the proof not the cases. You look them up in a handy-dandy notebook that all mathematicians get when they graduate from a Masters level Math program. It lists all the possible valid steps. It can take a long time to find the correct template that validates a step of course. Of course it has infinite number of pages, but each page is half the thickness of the previous on so you can hide it in your pocket/purse/backpack. This is used to impress your students. They call it "Logic". At the Ph.D. level you are given a list of all the invalid steps....This is much more use for publishing papers that prove that other peoples' work is incorrect. This book is called "Intutition". This is a special secret.... don't let any one know! -- dick@csci.csusb.edu=rbotting@wiley.csusb.edu. Disclaimer::=`CSUSB may or may not agree with this message`. Copyright(1995)::=`Copy as long as you include this copyright and signature`. From csus.edu!csulb.edu!library.ucla.edu!europa.eng.gtefsd.com!news.mathworks.com!usenet.eel.ufl.edu!usenet.cis.ufl.edu!clas.ufl.edu!florida Thu Feb 16 13:16:52 1995 Path: csus.edu!csulb.edu!library.ucla.edu!europa.eng.gtefsd.com!news.mathworks.com!usenet.eel.ufl.edu!usenet.cis.ufl.edu!clas.ufl.edu!florida From: florida@grove.ufl.edu (Adam Joshua Smargon) Newsgroups: alt.humor.puns,sci.math Subject: Re: Statisticians walk median streets Followup-To: alt.humor.puns,sci.math Date: 16 Feb 1995 03:37:59 GMT Organization: University of Florida's College of Liberal Arts and Sciences Message-ID: <3huhan$1sn@cutter.clas.ufl.edu> NNTP-Posting-Host: dogwood.circa.ufl.edu X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2] Xref: csus.edu alt.humor.puns:7115 sci.math:83579 Tim Poston (tim@iss.nus.sg) wrote: :Statisticians walk median streets... they're more typical than mean streets. The majority of statisticians are approximately normal. (Yup, that's original...) -- Adam J. Smargon --- recycler@ufl.edu -- "What's that joke about men ---- http://grove.ufl.edu:80/~florida ---- forgetting everything?" University of Florida, Gainesville, FL USA - A. Marcus Claimer: I speak for *everybody!* moohahahahahahahahaha! Deal with it! From csus.edu!csulb.edu!library.ucla.edu!agate!darkstar.UCSC.EDU!news.hal.COM!decwrl!waikato!comp.vuw.ac.nz!canterbury.ac.nz!math!wft Fri Feb 17 10:54:15 1995 Path: csus.edu!csulb.edu!library.ucla.edu!agate!darkstar.UCSC.EDU!news.hal.COM!decwrl!waikato!comp.vuw.ac.nz!canterbury.ac.nz!math!wft From: wft@math.canterbury.ac.nz (Bill Taylor) Newsgroups: alt.humor.puns,sci.math Subject: Re: Statisticians walk median streets Date: 17 Feb 1995 00:30:42 GMT Organization: Department of Mathematics, University of Canterbury Distribution: world Message-ID: <3i0qni$sni@cantua.canterbury.ac.nz> NNTP-Posting-Host: sss330.canterbury.ac.nz Xref: csus.edu alt.humor.puns:7128 sci.math:83665 |> ... they're more typical than mean streets. Sounds like a modish thing to do, anyway... From sgeer@wiley.csusb.edu Mon Feb 20 11:06 PST 1995 Date: Mon, 20 Feb 1995 11:45:50 -0800 From: sgeer@wiley.csusb.edu (Shaun T. Geer) Subject: Windoze 3.1111... Thought you might get a kick out of this one.... it is a C program, well not exactly, but it is poking fun at windows..... MS Windows. Shaun >>From davec@cs.UCR.edu Mon Feb 20 10:30:08 1995 >From: David Choweller >Subject: Windoze 3.1111... >To: sgeer@wiley.csusb.edu, sgeer@blaze.csci.csusb.edu >Date: Mon, 20 Feb 1995 10:26:41 -0800 (PST) > >Here's that funny Windows program I was telling you about: > >#include >#include >#include >#include > >char make_prog_look_big[1600000]; > >main() >{ > if (detect_OS2()) > freeze(); > > if (detect_cache()) > disable_cache(); > > if (fast_cpu()) > set_wait_states(lots); > > set_mouse(speed, very_slow); > set_mouse(action, jumpy); > set_mouse(reaction, sometimes); > set_icons(UGLY); > > print("Welcome to Windoze 3.11111"); > > if (system_ok()) > crash(to_dos_prompt); > else > system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE); > > while(1) { > sleep(5); > get_user_input(); > sleep(5); > act_on_user_input(); > sleep(5); > if (rand() < 0.9) > crash(complete_system); > } > return(unrecoverable_system); >} > > >DC >-- >VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES? > > ********************************************************************** Shaun T. Geer Library Automation Systems Specialist Email:sgeer@wiley.csusb.edu Phone: (909) 880-5108 California State University 5500 University Pkwy. San Bernardino, CA 92407-2397 ********************************************************************* From csus.edu!csusac!charnel.ecst.csuchico.edu!olivea!hookup!news.mathworks.com!usenet.eel.ufl.edu!news-feed-1.peachnet.edu!darwin.sura.net!mother.usf.edu!gauss!eclark Sun Mar 5 09:21:17 1995 Path: csus.edu!csusac!charnel.ecst.csuchico.edu!olivea!hookup!news.mathworks.com!usenet.eel.ufl.edu!news-feed-1.peachnet.edu!darwin.sura.net!mother.usf.edu!gauss!eclark From: eclark@gauss.math.usf.edu. (Edwin Clark) Newsgroups: sci.math Subject: purple, commutes and... Date: 1 Mar 1995 02:37:59 GMT Organization: Univ. of South Florida, Math Department Distribution: world Message-ID: <3j0mm7$41k@mother.usf.edu> NNTP-Posting-Host: gauss.math.usf.edu What's purple, commutes and gets good gas mileage? A compact abelian grape. (constructed by Michael Rieck) -- W. Edwin Clark, Department of Mathematics, University of South Florida, Tampa, FL 33620-5700 eclark@math.usf.edu From csus.edu!csusac!charnel.ecst.csuchico.edu!olivea!hookup!news.mathworks.com!news.alpha.net!uwm.edu!lll-winken.llnl.gov!noc.near.net!atria.com!arsenic!gordon Sun Mar 5 09:21:40 1995 Newsgroups: sci.math Path: csus.edu!csusac!charnel.ecst.csuchico.edu!olivea!hookup!news.mathworks.com!news.alpha.net!uwm.edu!lll-winken.llnl.gov!noc.near.net!atria.com!arsenic!gordon From: gordon@atria.com (Gordon McLean Jr.) Subject: Re: purple, commutes and... Message-ID: Nntp-Posting-Host: arsenic.atria.com Organization: Atria Software, Inc. X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL0] Date: Wed, 1 Mar 1995 17:50:49 GMT Edwin Clark (eclark@gauss.math.usf.edu.) wrote: : What's purple, commutes and gets good gas mileage? A cyclic grape. From rlittle@sgi26.csci.csusb.edu Tue Mar 7 12:35 PST 1995 From: rlittle@sgi26.csci.csusb.edu (Robert Little) Subject: Mildly Entertaining, if you haven't already seen it (fwd) Date: Tue, 7 Mar 1995 11:11:07 -0800 (PST) I thought you might like this little history lesson. Robert L. rlittle@csci.csusb.edu Forwarded message: > From briane@ord.gov Tue Mar 7 05:19 PST 1995 > Date: Tue, 7 Mar 1995 08:21:56 -0500 > From: Brian E > To: rlittle@indigo.csci.csusb.edu (Robert Little) > Subject: Mildly Entertaining, if you haven't already seen it > X-Text-File-Info: "Student Blooper World", part 1 of 1 > > The World According to Student Bloopers > > Richard Lederer > St. Paul's School > > One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is > receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted > together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student > bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade > through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot. > > The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah > Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the > inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cul- > tivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge > triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and > Spain. > > The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the > Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their > children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice > Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. > Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they > did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. > > Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led > them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made > without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the > ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He > fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. > Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. > > Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three > kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth > is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the > River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by > Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship > that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer > but by another man of that name. > > Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. > They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. > > In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and > threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government > of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. > There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't > climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the > Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men. > > Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans > because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the > guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the > battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he > was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor > subjects by playing the fiddle to them. > > Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur > lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the > Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the > victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta > provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense. > > In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer > of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote liter- > ature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple > while standing on his son's head. > > The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of > their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg > for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated > by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that > made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and > discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical > figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the > circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot > clipper. > > The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking > difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Vir- > gin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself be- > fore her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and > defeated the Spanish Armadillo. > > The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear > never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in > Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one > of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving > himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Mac- > beth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an > example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel > Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. > Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise > Regained." > > During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great > navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships > were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims > crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they > landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill > rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on > their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their > cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one > for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John > Smith was responsible for all this. > > One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in > their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post with- > out stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over > stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the > colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. > > Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. > Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the > Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his > clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented elec- > tricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself > cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. > > George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father > of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to > secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the > right to keep bare arms. > > Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother > died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own > hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, > "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address > while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He > also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave > the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch > the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, > Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in > a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a sup- > posedl insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. > > Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare > invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was > invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the > apples are flaling off the trees. > > Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel > was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died > from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He > was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when > everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for > this. > > France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished > before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolu- > tion, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned > heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came > down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with > bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to > inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him > any children. > > The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in > the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. > She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of > her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final > event which ended her reign. > > The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. > The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus > McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. > Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure > for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the > Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the > Marx Brothers. > > The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, > ushered in a new error in the anals of human history. > > > > From csus.edu!csulb.edu!library.ucla.edu!agate!howland.reston.ans.net!gatech!newsxfer.itd.umich.edu!news1.oakland.edu!newshub.gmr.com!news.delcoelect.com!c23dlt1 Mon Mar 13 08:50:13 1995 Path: csus.edu!csulb.edu!library.ucla.edu!agate!howland.reston.ans.net!gatech!newsxfer.itd.umich.edu!news1.oakland.edu!newshub.gmr.com!news.delcoelect.com!c23dlt1 From: c23dlt1@kocrsv01.delcoelect.com (Dan Trump) Newsgroups: comp.software-eng Subject: Re: SEI v. Dilbert Date: 9 Mar 1995 16:59:17 GMT Organization: Delco Electronics Corp. Distribution: world Message-ID: <3jnc55$lnq@kocrsv08.delcoelect.com> Reply-To: c23dlt1@kocrsv01 NNTP-Posting-Host: kobcsw36.delcoelect.com Originator: c23dlt1@kobcsw36 In article , yeager@netcom.com (John D. Yeager) writes: > Is Dilbert carried in the local paper in Pittsburgh? (Here in Philadelphia > we only get it on Sunday) The problem may be a locality problem rather > than a culture problem. > Actually, you can get Dilbert online. The address is: http://gnn.com/gnn/news/comix/dilbert.html. That should supply a fix for those lacking engineering humor. -- Dan Trump V: (317) 451-5434 GM: 8-322-5434 c23dlt1@kocrsv01.delcoelect.com Delco Electronics Corp (* Software Engineer - Not a DE spokesman *) "I have only a very small head and must live with it" E. Dijkstra From csus.edu!csulb.edu!nic-nac.CSU.net!usc!howland.reston.ans.net!torn!newshost.uwo.ca!julian.uwo.ca!skarkhan Wed Feb 15 11:17:52 1995 Path: csus.edu!csulb.edu!nic-nac.CSU.net!usc!howland.reston.ans.net!torn!newshost.uwo.ca!julian.uwo.ca!skarkhan From: skarkhan@julian.uwo.ca (s. karkhanis) Newsgroups: sci.math Subject: Re: What's Purple and Commutes? Date: 12 Feb 1995 17:41:07 GMT Organization: University of Western Ontario, London, Ont. Canada Message-ID: <3hlh7j$sjo@falcon.ccs.uwo.ca> NNTP-Posting-Host: julian.uwo.ca In article , Peter Roosen-Runge wrote: >Wayne Watson writes: > >>Date: Sun, 5 Feb 1995 06:55:23 GMT > >[snip, snip] > >>Answer: An Abelian Grape. >>(Yes, this is an old grape joke, but I couldn't resist.) > > >I was so happy to see this again, after so many years, and now *I* >can't resist: > >Question: What's yellow and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice? > >Answer: Zorn's Lemon > > > . . . . Peter Roosen-Runge > > What's non-orientable and lives in the sea? answer: Mobius Dick. Simba Karkhanis Dept. of Mathematics University of Western Ontario From csus.edu!csulb.edu!nic-nac.CSU.net!usc!howland.reston.ans.net!news.sprintlink.net!hookup!newshost.marcam.com!news.kei.com!eff!news.umbc.edu!haven.umd.edu!nova.umuc.edu!not-for-mail Wed Feb 15 11:17:52 1995 Path: csus.edu!csulb.edu!nic-nac.CSU.net!usc!howland.reston.ans.net!news.sprintlink.net!hookup!newshost.marcam.com!news.kei.com!eff!news.umbc.edu!haven.umd.edu!nova.umuc.edu!not-for-mail From: lgilden@nova.umuc.edu (L. Paul Gilden) Newsgroups: sci.math Subject: Re: What's Purple and Commutes? Date: 12 Feb 1995 15:29:03 -0500 Organization: University of Maryland University College Message-ID: <3hlr2f$d9k@nova.umuc.edu> NNTP-Posting-Host: nova.umuc.edu X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2] s. karkhanis (skarkhan@julian.uwo.ca) wrote: : In article , : Peter Roosen-Runge wrote: : >Wayne Watson writes: : >>Answer: An Abelian Grape. : >>(Yes, this is an old grape joke, but I couldn't resist.) : > : >I was so happy to see this again, after so many years, and now *I* : >can't resist: : > : >Question: What's yellow and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice? : > : >Answer: Zorn's Lemon : > : > : > . . . . Peter Roosen-Runge : > : > : What's non-orientable and lives in the sea? : answer: Mobius Dick. And while we're in the neighborhood, what's the circumference of the Arctic Circle? Eskimo pi. -- L. Paul Gilden lgilden@nova.umuc.edu From csus.edu!csulb.edu!nic-nac.CSU.net!usc!howland.reston.ans.net!news.sprintlink.net!pipex!sunsite.doc.ic.ac.uk!qmw!news.qmw.ac.uk!tdb Wed Feb 15 11:17:53 1995 Path: csus.edu!csulb.edu!nic-nac.CSU.net!usc!howland.reston.ans.net!news.sprintlink.net!pipex!sunsite.doc.ic.ac.uk!qmw!news.qmw.ac.uk!tdb From: tdb@maths.qmw.ac.uk (Thomas D Bending) Newsgroups: sci.math Subject: Re: What's Purple and Commutes? Date: 13 Feb 1995 10:26:23 GMT Organization: Queen Mary & Westfield College, London, UK Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: euclid.maths.qmw.ac.uk In-reply-to: peter@nexus.yorku.ca's message of Sun, 12 Feb 1995 03:13:39 GMT My favourite (though perhaps it's rather specialised): Q: How can you tell that a play is abelian? A: All the characters are rather one-dimensional. Thomas Bending JANET: tdb@uk.ac.qmw.maths WWW homepage From csus.edu!csulb.edu!nic-nac.CSU.net!charnel.ecst.csuchico.edu!olivea!rahul.net!a2i!ddsw1!usenet Thu Mar 16 20:17:40 1995 Path: csus.edu!csulb.edu!nic-nac.CSU.net!charnel.ecst.csuchico.edu!olivea!rahul.net!a2i!ddsw1!usenet From: jim.fleming@bytes.com (Jim Fleming) Newsgroups: comp.object,comp.lang.c++ Subject: Re: C++ Productivity Date: 10 Mar 1995 22:20:40 GMT Organization: Unir Corporation Message-ID: <3jqjbo$kha@News1.mcs.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: 199.3.34.11 X-Newsreader: WinVN 0.93.14 Xref: csus.edu comp.object:26531 comp.lang.c++:108171 In article , house@helios.usq.EDU.AU says... > >ian@syacus.acus.oz.au (Ian Joyner) writes: > >>mat@mole-end.matawan.nj.us writes: > >>>And then think about what sort of an appearance you are making, bashing >>>C++ in a C++ newsgroup from a position that looks (to those of us who >>>want to talk about C++) from a position of willful ignorance. > >>... We also read this group, because >>of the large amount of fiction that needs to be corrected that is >>propogated through this group. > >Just to add a point to that: Newsgroups exist to _discuss_ topics, >not exclusively to _promote_ topics. Therefore a C++ group exists to >_discuss_ C++, including criticisms. And clearly the "bashers" "want >to talk about C++", and I am sure they don't agree that their own >position is "willful ignorance". > >-- Why doesn't someone submit an RFD for comp.lang.c++.supporters.ONLY I would enjoy reading such a group. Actually, there may not be much to read, the subscribers might just sit around and give each other awards. Here are some possible subjects. Subject: Award for the Best String Class by a new Country Western artist. Subject: Award for the Smallest Class Library with the Most Methods. Subject: Award for the most unreadable C++ program. Subject: Nomination for Best Actor in a Supporting Role of Bjarne Subject: Nomination for Best C++ Screenplay without a GUI. Subject: Award for the Best Class Library from a Tropical Island. Subject: Presentation of a DRAFT Nomination for a Nomination of a Friend. smooth sailing ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~\ to the end of the earth....JF -- Jim Fleming Unir Corporation Unir Technology, Inc. %Techno Cat I One Naperville Plaza 184 Shuman Blvd. #100 Penn's Landing Naperville, IL 60563 Naperville, IL 60563 East End, Tortola 1-708-505-5801 1-800-222-UNIR(8647) British Virgin Islands 1-708-305-3277 (FAX) 1-708-305-0600 From dick@blaze.csci.csusb.edu Mon Mar 20 08:32 PST 1995 id AA04059; Mon, 20 Mar 1995 08:27:43 -0800 Date: Mon, 20 Mar 1995 08:27:43 -0800 From: dick@blaze.csci.csusb.edu (Dr. Richard Botting) Subject: (fwd) Online Support Newsgroups: comp.software-eng Organization: CS Dept., Calif. State Univ., San Bernardino Path: csus.edu!csulb.edu!library.ucla.edu!agate!howland.reston.ans.net!news.sprintlink.net!redstone.interpath.net!salzo!outland!terry.mccarty From: terry.mccarty@outland.raleigh.nc.us (TERRY MCCARTY) Newsgroups: comp.software-eng Subject: Online Support Date: Thu, 16 Mar 95 07:42:00 -0400 Message-ID: <8A591CE.01C9000B0D.uuout@outland.raleigh.nc.us> Reply-To: terry.mccarty@outland.raleigh.nc.us (TERRY MCCARTY) Organization: ][ The Outland BBS ][ Raleigh, North Carolina Distribution: world X-Newsreader: PCBoard Version 15.21 Murphy's Laws Of Online Support % The user manuals will contain a virtually unnoticeable error that will have drastic consequences. % QA will have missed the killer installation bug. % If the documentation can be misunderstood, it will be. % The customer's configuration will be one that you cannot possibly duplicate. Corollary: This configuration will be one that causes a catastropic system failure. Converse: If the customer has a configuration identical to yours in every detail, you will still not be able to duplicate the problem. % If your product is part of a system that contains somebody else's product, they will blame all of the problem on your product and tell the customer to call you. Corollary: if your product is being used with somebody else's product and you call them up for help, they will refuse to talk to you, and possibly even refer you back to yourself. % If the problem fixes itself, it will be back with a vengeance later. % If the customer obtains a wrong number and calls you by mistake, he will invariably be a flaming SOB who will demand that you fix his problem anyway. % The fix you send out will introduce even worse problems. % The customer will have an obsolete product for which there are no documents, knowledge, or working examples left in the plant. Corollary: obsolete products come as systems. % If your product works on somebody else's system, they will invariably make a minor change that will render your product -- and only your product -- completely incompatible. % Minor design changes in the product will cause intolerable compatibility issues for the customers. Corollary: The lab didn't tell anyone about them. % All previous support people who have dealt with the customer will have provided misinformation whose disastrous effects you must now undo. % The problem will vanish when you arrange for a field person to make a customer visit. % The customer will tell you everything in great detail except for the single significant fact that will solve the problem. Corollary: the customer will give you misinformation that will turn a problem that has an immediate answer into an agonizing marathon troubleshooting session. % The lab engineer whose help you desperately need will regard support people as an inferior species and have less concept of a customer than he does of a scaly pangolin. % If manufacturing has two unrelated products whose subassemblies can be transposed in packaging, they will be. % The customer will have a lisp, a thick accent, a bad connection, an agonizing stammer, or all of the above. % The information required to fix the problem can only be obtained from a lab engineer who never wrote anything down, and has either forgotten it all or has left the organization. % The problem that is impossible to solve will be the sticking point on a multimillion-dollar deal. % The replacement part is always impossible to get. Corollary: there may be plenty of them around but the paperwork won't be set up to obtain them. Second corollary: Equivalent parts, aren't. -- dick@csci.csusb.edu=rbotting@wiley.csusb.edu. Disclaimer::=`CSUSB may or may not agree with this message`. Copyright(1995)::=Copy this freely but include the following link to the author's signature From rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu Tue May 30 09:28 PDT 1995 From: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee) Subject: In the Beginning . . . Date: Tue, 30 May 1995 09:26:26 -0700 (PDT) Cc: rbotting@wiley.csusb.edu (Dr. Richard Botting) More from the Found On the Net File: IN THE BEGINNING...THERE WAS A COMPUTER AND GOD SAID... :Let there be light! #Enter user id. :God #Enter password. :Omniscient #Password incorrect. Try again. :Omnipotent #Password incorrect. Try again. :Technocrat #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. :Let there be light! ERROR #Unrecognizable command. Try again. :Create light #Done :Run light #And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. #Approx. funds remaining: $92.50. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2. :Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light ERROR #Unrecognizable command. Try again. :Create firmament #Done. :Run firmament #And God made heaven and earth. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2. #Approx. funds remaining: $84.60. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. :Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and ERROR #Too many characters in specification string. Try again. :Create dry_land :Create vegetation #Done. :Run dry_land, vegetation #And God saw the dry land appear, and the Earth put forth its vegetation. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. #Approx. funds remaining: $65.00. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4. :Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night! ERROR #Unspecified type. Please try again. :Create sun_moon_stars #Done :Run sun_moon_stars #And God saw the Sun in the day, and the Moon and Stars at night. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4. #Approx. funds remaining: $54.00. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5. :Create fish #Done :Create fowl #Done :Run fish, fowl #And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5. #Approx. funds remaining: $45.00. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6. :Create cattle #Done :Create creepy_things #Done :Now let us make man in our image ERROR #Unspecified type. Please try again. :Create man #Done :Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth ERROR #Too many command operands. Try again. :Run multiplication ERROR #Execution terminated. 6 errors. :Insert breath #Done :Run multiplication ERROR #Execution terminated. 5 errors. :Move man to Garden of Eden ERROR #File Garden of Eden does not exist. :Create Garden.edn #Done :Move man to Garden.edn #Done :Run multiplication ERROR #Execution terminated. 4 errors. :Copy woman from man #Done :Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 3 errors. :Insert woman into man ERROR #Illegal parameters. Please try again. :Insert man into woman #Done :Run multiplication ERROR #Execution terminated. 2 errors. :Create desire #Done :Run multiplication #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. :Create freewill #Done :Run freewill #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. :Delete desire ERROR #Desire cannot be deleted once freewill is created. :Delete freewill ERROR #Freewill is a protected file and cannot be deleted. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. :Help #Desire cannot be deleted once freewill is created. #Freewill is a protected file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. :Create tree_of_knowledge #Done :Run tree_of_knowledge #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. :Create good, evil #Done :run evil #And God saw he had created shame. #Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors. :Scan Garden.edn for man, woman ERROR #Search failed. Reset parameters and try again. :Delete shame #Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated. :Delete freewill #Freewill is a protected file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. :Stop ERROR #Unrecognizable command. Try again :Break :Break :Break #ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. > > > PLEASE LOG OFF. :Create new world ERROR #You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created. :Destroy earth #Destroy earth: Please confirm by entering password. :Technocrat #Destroy earth confirmed #COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME > > SUNDAY, MARCH 6 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW. #And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6. #Approx. funds remaining: $0.00. From jgreene@silicon Tue Jun 6 22:21 PDT 1995 Date: Tue, 6 Jun 1995 22:13:48 -0700 (PDT) From: "Joseph H. Greene" Subject: Re: The Darwin Award (fwd) ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Wed, 31 May 1995 10:50:34 -0700 (PDT) From: Joseph Greene Subject: Re: The Darwin Award On 31 May 1995, David W. Gaw wrote: > Forwarded from Todd. > > There's not really much I can add to this... > > ----------------------------------------------------------------------- > You all know about the Darwin awards -- it's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke (tm) machine, which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. The Arizona (U.S.) Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal imbedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road, at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The boys in the lab finally figured out what it was, and what had happened. It seems that a guy had somehow got hold of a JATO unit, (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid-fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra `push' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert, and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed, and fired off the JATO!! Best as they could determine, he was doing somewhere between 250 and 300 mph (350-420kph) when he came to that curve.... T[he brakes were completely burned away, apparently from trying to slow the car. NOTE: Solid-fuel rockets don't have an 'off'... once started, they burn at full thrust 'till the fuel is all gone. The mental picture this gave me resulted in hysterics equal to those caused by the flying whale chunks up in OR. Kinda like Buckaroo Banzai, but without the dimensional gizmo- splat! Be seeing you, JHG From aaron@troy.la.locus.com Wed Jun 7 11:48 PDT 1995 id AA40554; Wed, 7 Jun 1995 11:41:47 -0700 From: aaron@locus.com (Aaron Warner) Subject: Techohumor Date: Wed, 7 Jun 1995 11:41:45 -0700 (PDT) Cc: rgurse@huey.csun.edu (Ron Gurse) A bit of humor..... -Aaron > > Ode to a Kernelman > > Dosfish, who was small and spry, and could swim the narrow sixteen-bit > channel. But the Dosfish was not bright, and could be taught few new > tricks. > His alphabet had no A's, B's, or Q's, but a mere 640 K's, and the size of > his file cabinet was limited by his own fat. > > At first the people loved the Dosfish, for he was the only one who could > swim > the Pea Sea. But the people soon grew tired of commanding his line, and > complained that he could be neither dragged nor dropped. "Forsooth," they > cried. "the Dosfish can only do one job at a time, and of names, he knows > only eight and three." And many of them left the Pea Sea for good, and went > off in search of the Magic Apple. > > Although many went, far more stayed, because admittance to the Pea Sea was > cheap. So the Gateskeeper studied the Magic Apple and rested awhile in the > Parc of Xer-Ox, and he made a Window that could ride on the Dosfish and do > its thinking for it. But the Window was slow, and it would break when the > Dosfish got confused. So most people contented themselves with the Dosfish. > > Now it came to pass that the Blue Giant came upon the Gateskeeper, and spoke > > thus: "Come, let us make of ourselves something greater than the Dosfish." > The Blue Giant seemed like a humbog, so they called the new creature OZ II. > > Now OZ II was smarter than the Dosfish, as most things are. It could drag > and drop, and could keep files without becoming fat. But the people cared > for it not. So the Blue Giant and the Gateskeeper promised another OZ II, > to > be called OZ II Too, that could swim the fast new 32-bit wide Pea Sea. > > Then lo, a strange miracle occurred. Although the Window that rode on the > Dosfish was slow, it was pretty, and the third Window was the prettiest of > all. And the people began to like the third Window, and to use it. So the > Gateskeeper turned to the Blue Giant and said, "Fie on thee, for I need thee > > not. Keep thy OZ II Too, and I shall make of my Window an Entity that will > not need the Dosfish, and will swim in the 32-bit Pea Sea." > > Years passed, and the workshops of the Gateskeeper and the Blue Giant were > overrun by insects. And the people went on using their Dosfish with a > Window; even though the Dosfish would from time to time become confused and > die, it could always be revived with three fingers. > > Then there came a day when the Blue Giant let forth his OZ II Too onto the > world. The OZ II Too was indeed mighty, and awesome, and required a great > ram, and the world was changed not a whit. For the people said, "It is > indeed great, but we see little application for it." And they were > doubtful, > because the Blue Giant had met with the Magic Apple, and together they were > fashioning a Taligent, and the Taligent was made of objects, and was most > pink. > > Now the Gateskeeper had grown ambitious, and as he had been ambitious before > > he grew, he was now more ambitious still. So he protected his Window Entity > > with great security, and made its net work both in serving and with peers. > And the Entity would swim, no only in the Pea Sea, but in the Oceans of > Great Risk. "Yea," the Gateskeeper declared, "though my Entity will require > > a greater ram than OZ II Too, it will be more powerful than a world of > Eunuchs." > > And so the Gateskeeper prepared to unleash his Entity to the world, and in > all but two cities. For he promised that a greater Window, a greater > Entity, > and even a greater Dosfish would appear one day in Chicago and Cairo, and it > > too would be built of objects. > > Now the Eunuchs who lived in the Oceans of Great Risk, and who scorned the > Pea Sea, began to look upon their world with fear. For the Pea Sea had > grown, and great ships were sailing in it, the Entity was about to invade > their oceans, and it was rumored that files would be named in letters > greater > than eight. And the Eunuchs looked upon the Pea Sea, and many of them > thought to immigrate. > > Within the Oceans of Great Risk were many Sun Worshippers, and they wanted > to > excel, and make their words perfect, and do their jobs as easy as > one-two-three. And what's more, many of them no longer wanted to pay for > the > Risk. So the Sun Lord went to the Pea Sea, and got himself eighty-sixed. > > And taking the next step was He of the NextStep, who had given up building > his boxes of black. And he proclaimed loudly that he could help anyone make > > wondrous soft wares, then admitted meekly that only those who know him could > > use those wares, and he was made of objects, and required the biggest ram of > > all. > > And the people looked out upon the Pea Sea, and they were sore amazed. And > sore confused. And sore sore. And that is why, to this day, Ozes, > Entities, > and Eunuchs battle on the shores of the Pea Sea, but the people still travel > > on the simple Dosfish. > From rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu Mon Jun 12 09:31 PDT 1995 Date: Mon, 12 Jun 1995 09:29:12 -0700 From: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee) Subject: (fwd) today's safety tip Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny From: skar@ocf.berkeley.edu (Sean Azarin) Subject: today's safety tip Keywords: chuckle, true Path: csus.edu!news.ucdavis.edu!agate!spool.mu.edu!bloom-beacon.mit.edu!hookup!remus.wat.hookup.net!xenitec!looking!funny-request Message-ID: Date: Sat, 10 Jun 95 19:30:04 EDT "In retrospect, lighting the match was my mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve my son's rat." Dick Stone told doctors in the severe burns unit of San Francisco City Hospital. Admitted for emergency treatment after an attempt to retrieve the rat had gone seriously wrong, he explained, "My son left the cage door open, so his rat, Vermin, escaped into the garage. As usual, it looked for a good place to hide, and ran up the exhaust pipe of my motorcycle. I tried to retrieve Vermin by offering him food attached to a string, but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the pipe and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what had happened next. "The flame ignited a pocket of residual gas and a flame shot out the pipe igniting Mr. Stone's mustache and severely burned his face. It also set fire to the pet rat's fur and whiskers which, in turn, ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the exhaust pipe which propelled the rodent out like a cannonball." Stone suffered second- degree burns, and a broken nose from the impact of the pet rat. His son was grounded for 6 weeks. -- Selected by Jim Griffith. MAIL your joke to funny@clari.net. Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply. Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected. From jthomas@blaze.csci.csusb.edu Thu Jun 15 18:26 PDT 1995 id AA17823; Thu, 15 Jun 1995 18:10:31 -0700 Date: Thu, 15 Jun 1995 18:10:31 -0700 From: jthomas@blaze.csci.csusb.edu (Jill Thomas) Subject: thank you Q. What does a mathematician do when he's constipated? A. He works it out with a pencil. Joseph Costa, NOSC ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Three employees of NOSC (an engineer, a physicist and a mathematician) are staying in a hotel while attending a technical seminar. The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed. Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed. Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, "Ah, a solution exists!" and then goes back to bed. Michael Plapp, NOSC ------------------------------------------------------------------------ "A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems" -- P. Erdos Jim Lewis, UC-Berkeley ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three standard Peter Lax jokes (heard in his lectures) : 1. What's the contour integral around Western Europe? Answer: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe! Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they are removable! 2. An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God? Answer: Yes, up to isomorphism! 3. What is a compact city? It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted policemen! Abdolreza Tahvildarzadeh, NYU ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's purple and commutes? A: An abelian grape. Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice? A: Zorn's Lemon. James Currie ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"? A: Because he left a residue at every pole. Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation function, the more expensive it becomes to compute? A: That's the Law of Spline Demand. Steve Friedl, V-Systems, Inc. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about." Philippe Schnoebelen ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Moebius always does it on the same side. Heisenberg might have slept here. Aaron Avery, University of Wisconsin ------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was a mad scientist ( a mad ...social... scientist ) who kidnapped three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked each of them in seperate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no can opener. A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive, and escaped. The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good pitching arm and a new quantum theory. The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising solution to the kissing problem; his dessicated corpse was propped calmly against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor in blood: Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die. Proof: assume the opposite... (name unknown), Reed College, Portland, OR ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here's a limerick I picked up off the net a few years back - looks better on paper. \/3 / | 2 3 x 3.14 3_ | z dz x cos( ----------) = ln (\/e ) | 9 / 1 Which, of course, translates to: Integral z-squared dz from 1 to the square root of 3 times the cosine of three pi over 9 equals log of the cube root of 'e'. And it's correct, too. Doug Walker, SAS Institute -------------------------------------------------------------------------- There were two men trying to decide what to do for a living. They went to see a counselor, and he decided that they had good problem solving skills. He tried a test to narrow the area of specialty. He put each man in a room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the table. He said "Boil the water". Both men moved the pot from the table to the stove and turned on the burner to boil the water. Next, he put them into a room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the floor. Again, he said "Boil the water". The first man put the pot on the stove and turned on the burner. The counselor told him to be an Engineer, because he could solve each problem individually. The second man moved the pot from the floor to the table, and then moved the pot from the table to the stove and turned on the burner. The counselor told him to be a mathematician because he reduced the problem to a previously solved problem. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far." So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are we?" (They hear the echo several times). 15 minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're lost!!" One of the men says, "That must have been a mathematician." Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?" The reply: "For three reasons. (1) he took a long time to answer, (2) he was absolutely correct, and (3) his answer was absolutely useless." (I'm not sure if the following one is a true story or not) The great logician Betrand Russell (or was it A.N. Whitehead?) once claimed that he could prove anything if given that 1+1=1. So one day, some smarty-pants asked him, "Ok. Prove that you're the Pope." He thought for a while and proclaimed, "I am one. The Pope is one. Therefore, the Pope and I are one." Donald Chinn, UC-Berkeley ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE STORY OF BABEL: In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by the Great Mathamatical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they grew to large numbers and prospered. One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that was to reach up as far as "up" went. Further and further up they went ... until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox. The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge structure reaching to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians climbed out from under the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when they began to speak to one another, SUPRISE of all suprises! they could not understand each other. They all spoke different languages. They all fought amongst themselves and each went about their own way. To this day the Topologists remain the original Mathematicians. - adapted from an American Indian legend of the Mound Of Babel Mark William Hopkins, U. Wisconsin-Milwaukee ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says, "Go and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals. All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah. "Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need logs to multiply." Rolan Christofferson, U.Colorado, Boulder ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is "pi"? Mathematician: Pi is thenumber expressing the relationship between the circumference of a circle and its diameter. Physicist: Pi is 3.1415927plus or minus 0.000000005 Engineer: Pi is about 3. David Harr, Occidental College ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lemma: All horses are the same color. Proof (by induction): Case n=1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all horses in that set are the same color. Case n=k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all of these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k horses now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses are all the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all horses are the same color. Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs. Proof (by intimidation): Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs. However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist. QED Jerry Weldon, Livermore Labs ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Several students were asked the following problem: Prove that all odd integers are prime. Well, the first student to try to do this was a math student. Hey says "hmmm... Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all the odd integers are prime." Of course, there are some jeers from some of his friends. The physics student then said, "I'm not sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it seems that you're right." The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded, "Well, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ..., 9 is ..., well if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it does seem right." Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says "Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'd end up taking too long doing it. I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it..." He goes over to his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says, "1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime...." ------------ Ya' hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch the rays and became a tangent ? ------------ My geometRy teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse, but always, he was right. ------------ And now, for some really bad picture jokes (that I heard at Cal Poly SLO) : Q: What's the title of this picture ? .. .. ____ .. .. \\===/======\\== || | | || || |____| || || ( ) || || \____/ || || || || || || || || || || || A: Hypotenuse ------- Q: What quantity is represented by this ? /\ /\ /\ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ /______\ /______\ /______\ || || || || || || A: 9, tree + tree + tree Q: A dust storm blows through, now how much do you have ? A: 99, dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree Q: Some birds go flying by and leave their droppings, one per tree, how many is that ? A: 100, dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and a turd Naoto Kimura, Cal State-Northridge ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a photo-safari in africa. They drive out on the savannah in their jeep, stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars. The biologist : "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle : A white zebra! It's fantastic ! There are white zebra's ! We'll be famous !" The statistician : "It's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra." The mathematician : "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is white on one side." The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!" Niels Ull Jacobsen, U. of Copenhagen --------------------------------------------------------------------------- I saw the following scrawled on a math office blackboard in college: 1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1 Rob Gardner, HP Ft. Collins, CO --------------------------------------------------------------------------- lim ---- 8-->9 \/ 8 = 3 Donald Chinn, UC-Berkeley --------------------------------------------------------------------------- lim 3 = 8 w->oo (It is more obvious when handwritten...) Jorge Stolfi, DEC Systems Research Center, Palo Alto, CA ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Asked how his pet parrot died, the mathmatican answered "Polynomial. polygon." --- Lumberjacks make good musicians because of their natural logarithms. --- Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square. --- "The integral of e to the x is equal to f of the quantity u to the n." / x n | e = f(u ) / --- A physics joke: "Energy equals milk chocolate square" Naoto Kimura, Cal State-Northridge ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Russell to Whitehead: "My Godel is killing me!" Dennis Healy, Dartmouth ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress. The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems. The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health. The mathematician says: " You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife --- you can do some mathematics. Bruce Bukiet, Los Alamos National Lab ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Statisticians probably do it Algebraists do it in groups. Al Sethuraman, Calma Company, San Diego ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Von Neumann and Nobert Weiner were both the subject of many dotty professor stories. Von Neumann supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.". Weiner was in fact very absent minded. The following story is told about him: When they moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Weiner and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the young girl replied, "Yes daddy, mommy thought you would forget." The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the story) about the truth of the story, many years later. She said that it wasn't quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were! The rest of it, however, was pretty close to what actually happened... Richard Harter, Computer Corp. of America, Cambridge, MA ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- C programmers do it with long pointers. (Logicians do it) or [not (logicians do it)]. Scott Horne ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Theorem: a cat has nine tails. Proof: No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. Therefore, a cat has nine tails. Arndt Jonasson ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The USDA once wanted to make cows produce milk faster, to improve the dairy industry. So, they decided to consult the foremost biologists and recombinant DNA technicians to build them a better cow. They assembled this team of great scientists, and gave them unlimited funding. They requested rare chemicals, weird bacteria, tons of quarantine equipment, there was a God-awful typhus epidemic they started by accident, and, 2 years later, they came back with the "new, improved cow." It had a milk production improvement of 2% over the original. They then tried with the greatest Nobel Prize winning chemists around. They worked for six months, and, after requisitioning tons of chemical equipment, and poisoning half the small town in Colorado where they were working with a toxic cloud from one of their experiments, they got a 5% improvement in milk output. The physicists tried for a year, and, after ten thousand cows were subjected to radiation therapy, they got a 1% improvement in output. Finally, in desperation, they turned to the mathematicians. The foremost mathematician of his time offered to help them with the problem. Upon hearing the problem, he told the delegation that they could come back in the morning and he would have solved the problem. In the morning, they came back, and he handed them a piece of paper with the computations for the new, 300% improved milk cow. The plans began: "A Proof of the Attainability of Increased Milk Output from Bovines: Consider a spherical cow......" Chet Murthy, Cornell -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Theorem : All positive integers are equal. Proof : Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B. Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B. Proceed by induction. If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1. So A = B. Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B. Keith Goldfarb -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to a western country. They drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft. He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!!!!" The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple pole in a complex plane." Lyle Levine, Washington University, St. Louis -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hiawatha Designs an Experiment Hiawatha, mighty hunter, He could shoot ten arrows upward, Shoot them with such strength and swiftness That the last had left the bow-string Ere the first to earth descended. This was commonly regarded As a feat of skill and cunning. Several sarcastic spirits Pointed out to him, however, That it might be much more useful If he sometimes hit the target. "Why not shoot a little straighter And employ a smaller sample?" Hiawatha, who at college Majored in applied statistics, Consequently felt entitled To instruct his fellow man In any subject whatsoever, Waxed exceedingly indignant, Talked about the law of errors, Talked about truncated normals, Talked of loss of information, Talked about his lack of bias, Pointed out that (in the long run) Independent observations, Even though they missed the target, Had an average point of impact Very near the spot he aimed at, With the possible exception of a set of measure zero. "This," they said, "was rather doubtful; Anyway it didn't matter. What resulted in the long run: Either he must hit the target Much more often than at present, Or himself would have to pay for All the arrows he had wasted." Hiawatha, in a temper, Quoted parts of R. A. Fisher, Quoted Yates and quoted Finney, Quoted reams of Oscar Kempthorne, Quoted Anderson and Bancroft (practically in extenso) Trying to impress upon them That what actually mattered Was to estimate the error. Several of them admitted: "Such a thing might have its uses; Still," they said, "he would do better If he shot a little straighter." Hiawatha, to convince them, Organized a shooting contest. Laid out in the proper manner Of designs experimental Recommended in the textbooks, Mainly used for tasting tea (but sometimes used in other cases) Used factorial arrangements And the theory of Galois, Got a nicely balanced layout And successfully confounded Second order interactions. All the other tribal marksmen, Ignorant benighted creatures Of experimental setups, Used their time of preparation Putting in a lot of practice Merely shooting at the target. Thus it happened in the contest That their scores were most impressive With one solitary exception. This, I hate to have to say it, Was the score of Hiawatha, Who as usual shot his arrows, Shot them with great strength and swiftness, Managing to be unbiased, Not however with a salvo Managing to hit the target. "There!" they said to Hiawatha, "That is what we all expected." Hiawatha, nothing daunted, Called for pen and called for paper. But analysis of variance Finally produced the figures Showing beyond all peradventure, Everybody else was biased. And the variance components Did not differ from each other's, Or from Hiawatha's. (This last point it might be mentioned, Would have been much more convincing If he hadn't been compelled to Estimate his own components >From experimental plots on Which the values all were missing.) Still they couldn't understand it, So they couldn't raise objections. (Which is what so often happens with analysis of variance.) All the same his fellow tribesmen, Ignorant benighted heathens, Took away his bow and arrows, Said that though my Hiawatha Was a brilliant statistician, He was useless as a bowman. As for variance components Several of the more outspoken Make primeval observations Hurtful of the finer feelings Even of the statistician. In a corner of the forest Sits alone my Hiawatha Permanently cogitating On the normal law of errors. Wondering in idle moments If perhaps increased precision Might perhaps be sometimes better Even at the cost of bias, If one could thereby now and then Register upon a target. W. E. Mientka, "Professor Leo Moser -- Reflections of a Visit" American Mathematical Monthly, Vol. 79, Number 6 (June-July, 1972) --- Dave Seaman, Purdue ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An assemblage of the most gifted minds in the world were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?" The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99". The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02". The mathematician cogitates for a while, oblivious to the rest of the world, then announces: "I don't what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!". Philosopher: "But what do you _mean_ by 2 * 2 ?" Logician: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely." Accountant: Closes all the doors and windows, looks around carefully, then asks "What do you _want_ the answer to be?" Computer Hacker: Breaks into the NSA super-computer and gives the answer. Dave Horsfall, Alcatel-STC Australia, North Sydney ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions. John C. George, U.Illinois Urbana-Champaign ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ During a class of calculus my lecturer suddenly checked himself and stared intently at the table in front of him for a while. Then he looked up at us and explained that he thought he had brought six piles of papers with him, but "no matter how he counted" there was only five on the table. Then he became silent for a while again and then told the following story: "When I was young in Poland I met the great mathematician Waclaw Sierpinski. He was old already then and rather absent-minded. Once he had to move to a new place for some reason. His wife wife didn't trust him very much, so when they stood down on the street with all their things, she said: - Now, you stand here and watch our ten trunks, while I go and get a taxi. She left and left him there, eyes somewhat glazed and humming absently. Some minutes later she returned, presumably having called for a taxi. Says Mr Sierpinski (possibly with a glint in his eye): - I thought you said there were ten trunks, but I've only counted to nine. - No, they're TEN! - No, count them: 0, 1, 2, ..." Kai-Mikael, Royal Inst. of Technology, Stockholm, SWEDEN -------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's nonorientable and lives in the sea? Mobius Dick. Jeff Dalton, U. of Edinburgh, UK ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Philosopher: "Resolution of the continuum hypothesis will have profound implications to all of science." Physicist: "Not quite. Physics is well on its way without those mythical `foundations'. Just give us serviceable mathematics." Computer Scientist: "Who cares? Everything in this Universe seems to be finite anyway. Besides, I'm too busy debugging my Pascal programs." Mathematician: "Forget all that! Just make your formulae as aesthetically pleasing as possible!" Keitaro Yukawa, U. of Victoria, B.C, CANADA ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Definition: Jogging girl scout = Brownian motion. Ilan Vardi, Stanford ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The limit as n goes to infinity of sin(x)/n is 6. Proof: cancel the n in the numerator and denominator. Micah Fogel, UC-Berkeley --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two male mathematiciens are in a bar. The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math. The first mathematicien goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer one third x cubed. She repeats `one thir -- dex cue'? He repeats `one third x cubed'. Her: `one thir dex cuebd'? Yes, that's right, he says. So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, `one thir dex cuebd...'. The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees. The second man calls over the waitress and asks `what is the integral of x squared?'. The waitress says `one third x cubed' and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder `plus a constant'! Lynn Marshall, Universite Catholique de Louvain, Belgium ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Dr. Botting I just wanted to let you know that I truly feal I learned a ton about computers and c++ programming. You were very helpful, and I am recomending your cs201 class to my freinds for next quarter. You were right at the beginning of the quarter when you said to keep it simple. It's nice to walk away from a class with great satisfaction. I'm sending you a file of math jokes. You might find them funny, since you are a math lover as well. Oh yeah, please not forget my extra credits that I mailed to you. I know you won't forget, but just to be on the safe side. Sincerely, Jill Thomas From rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu Mon Jun 19 09:17 PDT 1995 Date: Mon, 19 Jun 1995 09:15:38 -0700 From: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee) Subject: (fwd) Doyouspeakenglish? Newsgroups: rec.humor Path: csus.edu!csulb.edu!nic-nac.CSU.net!usc!howland.reston.ans.net!news.sprintlink.net!demon!plug.news.pipex.net!pipex!edi.news.pipex.net!pipex!sunsite.doc.ic.ac.uk!geriatrix.bangor.ac.uk!clss3!mau059 From: mau059@clss1.bangor.ac.uk (D.M.Rigby) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Doyouspeakenglish? Date: 19 Jun 1995 15:43:42 GMT Organization: University of Wales, Bangor. Message-ID: <3s45ve$n5g@geriatrix.bangor.ac.uk> NNTP-Posting-Host: clss3.bangor.ac.uk X-Newsreader: Tin 1.1 PL5 From mau059@clss3 Date: Sat, 13 May 1995 14:35:16 +0100 (BST) From: "I live in SUNNY (ahem) Bangor, North Wales!!!!!" Subject: Doyouspeakenglish? Signs and notices written in English that were discovered and recorded at locations throughout the world. In a Beijing Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notise. In a Tokyo Hotel: Please to bathe inside the tub. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily. In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corriders during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service. Outside a Hong Kong tailer shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results. Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking. In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. >From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose. In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers. In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played. In a Czechoslovakin tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right. In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin. On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life. Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways. In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner, if dressed as a man. In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it. In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases. In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here. In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run. >From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself. >From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor. Two signs from a Mojorcan shop entrance: - English well speaking - Here speeching American. Some additions to anguished English from Israeli menus: 1) sechel [Hebrew/Yiddish for intelligence] = brains 2) fresh bread daily daily [apparently yom yom] 3) planted egg salad = eggplant salad -- Dawn ========================================================================= | Scientists have calculated that the chance of anything so patently | | absurd actually existing are millions to one. | | But magicians have calculated that million-to-one chances crop up nine | | times out of ten. | | (Terry Pratchett - Mort) | ========================================================================= From csus.edu!news.ucdavis.edu!agate!howland.reston.ans.net!cs.utexas.edu!convex!seas.smu.edu!rdxsunhost.aud.alcatel.com!aur.alcatel.com!usenet Wed Jun 21 07:50:25 1995 Path: csus.edu!news.ucdavis.edu!agate!howland.reston.ans.net!cs.utexas.edu!convex!seas.smu.edu!rdxsunhost.aud.alcatel.com!aur.alcatel.com!usenet From: throopw%sheol.uucp@dg-rtp.dg.com (Wayne Throop) Newsgroups: comp.software-eng Subject: overlooked software engineering text: Through the Looking-Glass Date: 14 Jun 1995 21:43:42 GMT Organization: Alcatel Network Systems (Raleigh, NC) Message-ID: <3rnl6e$moe@aurns1.aur.alcatel.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: aursag.aur.alcatel.com You know, it occured to me recently that many of the the fundamentals of engineering style in our metric-driven, process-conscious modern world were all forseen. Consider the passage below. It has a clear statement of the problem [1], the requirements of a solution[2], a quantitative project management plan[3], and the inevitable reaction of the technical staff[4]. The Walrus and the Carpenter Were walking close at hand; [1] They wept like anything to see Such quantities of sand: [2] "If this were only cleared away," They said, "it WOULD be grand!" [3] "If seven maids with seven mops Swept it for half a year, Do you suppose," the Walrus said, "That they could get it clear?" [4] "I doubt it," said the Carpenter, And shed a bitter tear. Further, a bit later on: [...] And all the little Oysters stood And waited in a row. "The time has come," the Walrus said, "To talk of many things: Of shoes -- and ships -- and sealing-wax -- Of cabbages -- and kings -- And why the sea is boiling hot -- And whether pigs have wings." IMHO this is *very* akin to the project postmortem review meeting... -- Wayne Throop throopw%sheol.uucp@dg-rtp.dg.com throop@aur.alcatel.com From rpen@wiley.csusb.edu Mon Jun 26 10:16 PDT 1995 Date: Mon, 26 Jun 1995 10:13:51 -0800 From: rpen@wiley.csusb.edu (Dr. Ron Pendleton) Subject: Problem Solving A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt, scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do? "I know", said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way." "No, no", said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way." "Well", said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again." Sound familiar? ****************************************************** Ronald K. Pendleton, Ph.D., Professor of Education California State University, San Bernardino UH 401.39 5500 University Parkway, San Bernardino, CA 92407 e-mail: rpen@wiley.csusb.edu phone: 909-880-5637 ****************************************************** From csus.edu!news.starnet.net!wupost!howland.reston.ans.net!news.sprintlink.net!cam.news.pipex.net!pipex!dish.news.pipex.net!pipex!edi.news.pipex.net!pipex!sunsite.doc.ic.ac.uk!cs.york.ac.uk!jma Wed Jul 5 09:54:04 1995 Path: csus.edu!news.starnet.net!wupost!howland.reston.ans.net!news.sprintlink.net!cam.news.pipex.net!pipex!dish.news.pipex.net!pipex!edi.news.pipex.net!pipex!sunsite.doc.ic.ac.uk!cs.york.ac.uk!jma From: jma@uk.ac.york.minster (jma) Newsgroups: comp.specification Subject: FORMAL METHODS IS ALIEN TECHNOLOGY ;-) Message-ID: <804782621.1@cs.york.ac.uk> Date: 3 Jul 1995 15:43:41 BST Xdisclaimer: No attempt was made to authenticate the sender's name. X-Posted-From: InterNews 1.0@p9news.cs.york.ac.uk. (I realise this is a serious newsgroup but I couldn't resist) EXTRA_TERRESTRIAL ORIGINS OF FORMAL METHODS -- THE FACTS! The TRUTH is OUT THERE - but not, apparently, down here! I, along with members of other institutions, academic, governmental and otherwise, have been following religiously (sic) the unfolding controversy over the crash of an alien spacecraft at Roswell New Mexico in 1947, and the subsequent recovery of the bodies of six extra-terrestrial beings. On examining the evidence, I have unearthed ASTONISHING REVELATIONS which should rock the Formal Methods community to its core!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have obtained, by painstaking and meticulous research in the archives of the "alt" newsgroups, a transcription of alien symbols which were copied from a control panel of the crashed spacecraft. Imagine my astonishment, when after painstaking and probing research into these symbols over lunch today, I discovered evidence that aliens communicate using the symbols of formal methods!!!!!!!!! The Greek letter sigma appears twice! The relational mapping symbol <-> appears on its side, and the three horizontal bars of definitional equality appear, as does the triangular delta symbol!!!! There are also several symbols which appear to be morphically similar to function overriding as seen in Z. However, the exact syntax does not appear to correspond to any known terrestrial BNF, and expert journalists (sic) can only guess at what semantics should be attached to this specification. Early indications are that it is a portion of the Dining Philosophers specification - and indeed, photographs of the alien remains clearly show that each was equiped with a forked left hand, and with a small lipless mouth suitable for slurping spaghetti. An even more shocking FACT is that several eminent members of the Formal Methods Community were aware of the REAL FACTS and conspired too keep them from the general public. Yet, enlargements of footage which shows President Truman being shown around the crash site clearly reveal the young Edsgar Dijkstra amongst The President's aides. Several eminent formalists I have spoken to deny completely that their work has been influenced by alien civilisations: this unanimity of opinion is deeply suspicious given the evidence - these same people applaud formal notations because of their ability to deal with concepts which cannot be expressed precisely in terrestrial natural language. However, official interest in Formal Methods within NASA and ESA is well-documented proof that Governments around the world are eager to exploit the benefits of the technology, without revealing its true nature! Now the truth behind the mysterious death of Alan Turing is revealed for all to see - evidently, Turing was about to reveal the true origins of computability theory, and had to be silenced! Several tall men dressed in black were seen outside were seen outside banks in Oxford Street, Manchester at the time. Given this utterly conclusive proof that Formal Methods is alien technology, we can only speculate on the purpose of their creators in coming to Earth. Perhaps these methods were introduced to enable us to advance to their own technological level, so that we can communicate more effectively with them, and join a federation of Outworlds. Or perhaps, as many skeptics have claimed, formal methods were specifically aimed to seduce people away from asking revealing questions about computer science, and arresting all progress in the actual construction of computer systems. But the future will never be the same: armed with THE TRUTH we can now SPEAK OUT, and make the Governments of the world reveal THE TRUTH - that we too have the technology to build safety-critical spacecraft control systems, seek out new life, new civilisations, and boldly crash to our deaths on distant planets! * The author's book "Elvis Presley shot President Kennedy and lives in the Bermuda Triangle: the Loch Ness Monster Connection" is available from WH Smith's New Age Section, price 15.99 (initially). From csus.edu!news.ucdavis.edu!library.ucla.edu!europa.chnt.gtegsc.com!news.mathworks.com!news.kei.com!world!tej Fri Jul 7 07:07:03 1995 Newsgroups: comp.lang.c++,comp.lang.eiffel,comp.lang.c,comp.object,comp.software-eng Path: csus.edu!news.ucdavis.edu!library.ucla.edu!europa.chnt.gtegsc.com!news.mathworks.com!news.kei.com!world!tej From: tej@world.std.com (Thomas E Janzen) Subject: Re: Beware of "C" Hackers -- A rebuttal to Bertrand Meyer Message-ID: Summary: Competent hacker vs. incompetent hacker Organization: The World Public Access UNIX, Brookline, MA Date: Tue, 4 Jul 1995 15:43:19 GMT Xref: csus.edu comp.lang.c++:128042 comp.lang.eiffel:8149 comp.lang.c:113619 comp.object:32957 comp.software-eng:30203 There seems to be some confusion between competent C hackers: bit-twiddling anti-software-engineering types who hand-optimize code but are good at it, and as a result write obscure unsupportable, untestable code; incompetent C hackers: People who still write K&R I function definitions; insert a goto every 300 lines; have never heard of ANSI or ISO; and just plain C hackers: Can't show any traceable documents for reqs, specs, designs and test; Have no test data; Write almost no comments (or write joke comments); Use C as a requirements definition language, a functional specification language, and a design language; Think that structured programming is passe` or a joke or both. Use one-character identifiers. This thread has helped me re-evaluate my bigotry against ex-scientists who are hired to write software. I think that such an individual may have demonstrated a commitment to developing themselves into commercial software developers, but if they havn't, a person with 3 degrees in science who starts working on commercial software is working on a high-school diploma. If you were driving a semi with 2 heavily-loaded trailors down the road towards a gorge, and a sign on the road said "the next suspension bridge was the first design of a PhD in Biology who changed careers; alternate route through gorge adds 40 miles", would you take the bridge or the gorge route? -- Tom Janzen - tej@world.std.com USA Distributed Real-Time Data Acquisition S/W for Scientists and Engineers using POSIX, C, C++, X, Motif, Graphics, Audio From csus.edu!news.ucdavis.edu!agate!howland.reston.ans.net!lamarck.sura.net!dtix.dt.navy.mil!oasys.dt.navy.mil!not-for-mail Thu Aug 10 17:01:46 1995 Path: csus.edu!news.ucdavis.edu!agate!howland.reston.ans.net!lamarck.sura.net!dtix.dt.navy.mil!oasys.dt.navy.mil!not-for-mail From: smitha@oasys.dt.navy.mil (Anthony Smith) Newsgroups: alt.philosophy.zen,alt.zen,sci.logic,sci.math Subject: Thing FAQ Date: 21 Jul 1995 15:30:11 -0400 Organization: Here Expires: August 31, 1995 Message-ID: <3uov83INNn3m@oasys.dt.navy.mil> Reply-To: smitha@oasys.dt.navy.mil (Anthony Smith) NNTP-Posting-Host: oasys.dt.navy.mil Xref: csus.edu alt.philosophy.zen:3429 alt.zen:10626 sci.logic:12039 sci.math:99866 I had reqested help with Nothing/Anything, and I had recieved many responses. As a result of these responses and discussions, I have been made to see clear on this issue. I wish to post my findings, and thank the 15-20 people who responded. Regretfully, I do not remember all the names, or who the responses can be attributed. But if you wish for a response to be attributed to you, just E-mail me, and I will update the FAQ. *******************************************42 Q: Does/Can Something exist? A: Of course. Q: Does/Can Something not exist? A: Sure, unless *EVERYTHING* exists. Q: Does Everything exist? A: Well, if Everything existed, what's the point of the word "exists"? Q: Can Everything exist? A: Only in your mind. Q: Does/Can Everything not exist? A: If that's so, then steal what you desire, kill as many people as you want, and then jump off a cliff; because you don't really exist. Q: Does/Can Nothing exist? A: You're silly, Something does exist. Q: Does/Can Nothing not exist? A: Only if Everything exists, but then why talk of the word "exists"? Q: Can Nothing exist and not exist at the same time? A: Absolutely! Q: Does Anything exist? A: Yes, Something exists. Q: Can Anything exist? A: Only in Wonderland. Q: Does Anything not exist? A: Sure, plenty of things. Q: Can Anything not exist? A: Only if Everything doesn't really exist. Q: Can Something exist and not exist? A: After enough time, almost anything can exist, then not exist. Q: Can Anything exist and not exist? A: Only if Nothing exists. ************************************* There are quite a few other possibilities, but I'll leave them for anyone who is interested in figuring them for themselves. I will be happy to answer any questions you may have on all kinds of Things. Thanks again, -ACES From nwestfal@blaze.csci.csusb.edu Wed Aug 23 11:50 PDT 1995 id AA15798; Wed, 23 Aug 1995 11:31:09 -0700 From: nwestfal@blaze.csci.csusb.edu (Neal Westfall) Subject: Pea Sea and the Dosfish Date: Wed, 23 Aug 1995 11:31:09 -0700 (PDT) Cc: mwestfal@blaze.csci.csusb.edu (Michael Westfall), jtownsen@blaze.csci.csusb.edu (James Townsend), dick@blaze.csci.csusb.edu (Dr. Richard Botting) Here's a funny explanation my brother sent to me about why PCs still run dos. Forwarded message: > From orion@bonkers.elan.af.mil Tue Aug 22 10:41 PDT 1995 > > > id m0skyHE-000MI1C; Tue, 22 Aug 95 11:42 PDT > Date: Tue, 22 Aug 1995 11:42:19 -47900 > From: Orion Westfall > Subject: fwd: re: fwd: here ya go... (fwd) > To: nwestfal@indigo.csci.csusb.edu > content-length: 6573 > > > | > | -------------------------[Original Message]-------------------------- > | > | How It Came To Pass... > | > | Long ago, in the days when all disks flopped in the breeze and the > | writing of words was on a star, the Blue Giant dug for the people the > | Pea Sea. But he needed a creature who could sail the waters, and would > | need for support but few rams. > | > | So the Gateskeeper, who was said to be both micro and soft, fashioned a > | Dosfish, who was small and spry, and could swim the narrow sixteen-bit > | channel. But the Dosfish was not bright, and could be taught few new > | tricks. His alphabet had no A's, B's, or Q's, but a mere 640 K's, and > | the size of his file cabinet was limited by his own fat. > | > | At first the people loved the Dosfish, for he was the only one who > | could swim the Pea Sea. But the people soon grew tired of commanding > | his line, and complained that he could be neither dragged nor dropped. > | "Forsooth," they cried. "the Dosfish can only do one job at a time, and > | of names, he knows only eight and three." And many of them left the > | Pea Sea for good, and went off in search of the Magic Apple. > | > | Although many went, far more stayed, because admittance to the Pea Sea > | was cheap. So the Gateskeeper studied the Magic Apple, and rested > | awhile in the Parc of Xer-Ox, and he made a Window that could ride on > | the Dosfish and do its thinking for it. But the Window was slow, and > | it would break when the Dosfish got confused. So most people contented > | themselves with the Dosfish. > | > | Now it came to pass that the Blue Giant came upon the Gateskeeper, and > | spoke thus: "Come, let us make of ourselves something greater than the > | Dosfish." The Blue Giant seemed like a humbug, so they called the new > | creature OZ II. > | > | Now Oz II was smarter than the Dosfish, as most things are. It could > | drag and drop, and could keep files without becoming fat. But the > | people cared for it not. So the Blue Giant and the Gateskeeper > | promised another OZ II, to be called Oz II Too, that could swim the > | fast new 32-bit wide Pea Sea. > | > | Then lo, a strange miracle occurred. Although the Window that rode on > | the Dosfish was slow, it was pretty, and the third Window was the > | prettiest of all. And the people began to like the third Window, and > | to use it. So the Gateskeeper turned to the Blue Giant and said, "Fie > | on thee, for I need thee not. Keep thy OZ II Too, and I shall make of > | my Window an Entity that will not need the Dosfish, and will swim in > | the 32-bit Pea Sea." > | > | Years passed, and the workshops of the Gateskeeper and the Blue Giant > | were overrun by insects. And the people went on using their Dosfish > | with a Window; even though the Dosfish would from time to time become > | confused and die, it could always be revived with three fingers. > | > | Then there came a day when the Blue Giant let forth his OZ II Too onto > | the world. The Oz II Too was indeed mighty, and awesome, and required > | a great ram, and the world was changed not a whit. For the people said, > | "It is indeed great, but we see little application for it." And they > | were doubtful, because the Blue Giant had met with the Magic Apple, and > | together they were fashioning a Taligent, and the Taligent was made of > | objects, and was most pink. > | > | Now the Gateskeeper had grown ambitious, and as he had been ambitious > | before he grew, he was now more ambitious still. So he protected his > | Window Entity with great security, and made its net work both in > | serving and with peers. And the Entity would swim, not only in the Pea > | Sea, but in the Oceans of Great Risk. "Yea," the Gateskeeper declared, > | "though my entity will require a greater ram than Oz II Too, it will be > | more powerful than a world of Eunuchs. > | > | And so the Gateskeeper prepared to unleash his Entity to the world, in > | all but two cities. For he promised that a greater Window, a greater > | Entity, and even a greater Dosfish would appear one day in Chicago and > | Cairo, and it too would be built of objects. > | > | Now the Eunuchs who lived in the Oceans of Great Risk, and who scorned > | the Pea Sea, began to look upon their world with fear. For the Pea Sea > | had grown, and great ships were sailing in it, the Entity was about to > | invade their oceans, and it was rumored that files would be named in > | letters greater than eight. And the Eunuchs looked upon the Pea Sea, > | and many of them thought to immigrate. > | > | Within the Oceans of Great Risk were many Sun Worshippers, and they > | wanted to excel, and make their words perfect, and do their jobs as > | easy as one-two-three. And what's more, many of them no longer wanted > | to pay for the Risk. So the Sun Lord went to the Pea Sea, and got > | himself eighty-sixed. > | > | And taking the next step was He of the NextStep, who had given up > | building his boxes of black. And he proclaimed loudly that he could > | help anyone make wondrous soft wares, then admitted meekly that only > | those who know him could use those wares, and he was made of objects, > | and required the biggest ram of all. > | > | And the people looked out upon the Pea Sea, and they were sore amazed. > | And sore confused. And sore sore. And that is why, to this day, Ozes, > | Entities, and Eunuchs battle on the shores of the Pea Sea, but the > | people still travel on the simple Dosfish. > | > | > | > > > -- # $Id: dot.signature,v 1.1 1995/02/11 02:28:11 nwestfal Exp $ Neal Westfall nwestfal@csci.csusb.edu FreeBSD 2.1.0-Development #0: Fri Feb 10 23:31:36 1995 root@darkside.csci.csusb.edu:/usr/src/sys/compile/DARKSIDE CPU: i486DX (486-class CPU) Id = 0x435 Origin = "GenuineIntel" From dick@blaze.csci.csusb.edu Tue Sep 19 15:26 PDT 1995 id AA19032; Tue, 19 Sep 1995 15:06:01 -0700 Date: Tue, 19 Sep 1995 15:06:01 -0700 From: dick@blaze.csci.csusb.edu (Dr. Richard Botting) Subject: (fwd) Re: Cyberspace (was Re:Java Gossip) Newsgroups: comp.lang.misc,alt.folklore.computers,comp.software-eng Organization: CS Dept., Calif. State Univ., San Bernardino Path: csus.edu!csusac!charnel.ecst.csuchico.edu!psgrain!usenet.eel.ufl.edu!newsfeed.internetmci.com!tank.news.pipex.net!pipex!dispatch.news.demon.net!demon!almide.demon.co.uk From: Alexander Anderson Newsgroups: comp.lang.misc,alt.folklore.computers,comp.software-eng Subject: Re: Cyberspace (was Re:Java Gossip) Date: Fri, 15 Sep 1995 22:45:23 GMT Organization: ALMA Services Message-ID: <811205123.445@almide.demon.co.uk> NNTP-Posting-Host: almide.demon.co.uk X-NNTP-Posting-Host: almide.demon.co.uk MIME-Version: 1.0 Xref: csus.edu comp.lang.misc:17670 alt.folklore.computers:115293 comp.software-eng:33215 Dear Sean Rodden, "Algorithm" That word gives me _nightmares_. I'm a digital optician at Tritium. Reading your mail off the CSTT this morning vividly reminded me of the time when the entire Mars grid went down. I'll never forget that moment. We were being de-briefed by Hal at Tritium, after the Friday mid-evening surge, and I was just about to sip on a well-earned Java espresso. Due to a nearby late-night Afro-rock rave, the pre-beta neural controller at the Olympus Mons plant suddenly went quasi-periodic, snapping the entire grid into nervousness. Laplace soliflucting, and then masing in sympathy with the 3 K cosmic background, power to the entire red planet went into flameout --Tokamak Deadlock. Scalding espresso coffee splash down my shirt, I remember, as the main lights flickered off. The next eighteen hours were the most frightening, desperate, sweaty hours we ever lived through. Flame me, if you can, but please don't mention that word again! Sandy -- // Alexander Anderson Computer Science Student // // Home Fone : +44 (0) 171-794-4543 Middlesex University // // Home Email : sandy@almide.demon.co.uk Bounds Green // // College Email: alexander9@mdx.ac.uk London // // UK // -- dick@csci.csusb.edu=rbotting@wiley.csusb.edu. Find out what's new at http://www.csci.csusb.edu/doc/www.sites.html Disclaimer:`CSUSB may or may not agree with this message`. Copyright(1995):Copy this freely but include the following link to the author's signature From dick@blaze.csci.csusb.edu Thu Sep 21 16:05 PDT 1995 id AA19647; Thu, 21 Sep 1995 15:43:08 -0700 Date: Thu, 21 Sep 1995 15:43:08 -0700 From: dick@blaze.csci.csusb.edu (Dr. Richard Botting) Subject: (fwd) Re: AT&T Breakup Newsgroups: comp.lang.c++ Organization: CS Dept., Calif. State Univ., San Bernardino Path: csus.edu!news.ucdavis.edu!library.ucla.edu!info.ucla.edu!newsfeed.internetmci.com!tank.news.pipex.net!pipex!news.mathworks.com!news.kei.com!simtel!news.sprintlink.net!newsserver.pixel.kodak.com!newsserver.rdcs.Kodak.COM!tomblin From: tomblin@ekfido.kodak.com (Paul Tomblin) Newsgroups: comp.lang.c++ Subject: Re: AT&T Breakup Date: 20 Sep 1995 20:38:42 GMT Organization: Eastman Kodak Company Message-ID: <43pu4i$63k@kodak.rdcs.Kodak.COM> NNTP-Posting-Host: apollo.ekfido.kodak.com X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2] Jordan Zimmerman (jordanz@altura.com) wrote: > Does today's announcement of a major AT&T restructuring have any effect on > AT&T Bell? I think all the new divisions of AT&T are going to be derived from a single virtual base division. I think they are going to use public derivation, so you should be able to access the public methods of the base division. As long as they have proper sequence points in their operations, we shouldn't have to worry about them doing anything that is "undefined" according to the draft C++ standard. Oh, and be careful not to dereference any pointers to the old AT&T after they've been destructed. -- Paul Tomblin, Contract Programmer. I don't speak for Kodak, they don't speak for me. (Email that is not work related should go to: ptomblin@canoe.com) "You are in a twisty maze of Motif Widget resources, all inconsistent." -- dick@csci.csusb.edu=rbotting@wiley.csusb.edu. Find out what's new at http://www.csci.csusb.edu/doc/www.sites.html Disclaimer:`CSUSB may or may not agree with this message`. Copyright(1995):Copy this freely but include the following link to the author's signature From rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu Thu Oct 5 09:41 PDT 1995 id <01HW2PURXV5C00359D@FULLERTON.EDU>; Thu, 5 Oct 1995 08:46:31 PST Comments: Authenticated sender is Resent-From: "Rich MCgee" Resent-To: rbotting@wiley.csusb.edu Resent-Date: Thu, 5 Oct 1995 09:20:40 +0000 From: SHIERY@CCVAX.FULLERTON.EDU Date: Thu, 05 Oct 1995 08:46:31 -0800 (PST) Subject: Net questions X-Vms-To: @RICH,@JIM,@VERNE,@ARLENE,@ANN,@KAY From: IN%"holly_hall@qmail.fullerton.edu" "Holly Hall" 5-OCT-1995 07:04:54.95 To: IN%"blaize@netcom.com" "Jordan Blaize", IN%"bob@caprica.com" "bob newstadt", IN%"SHIERY@CCVAX" "Glen Shiery", IN%"Shiery@FULLERTON.EDU" "Glen Shiery", IN%"dyounker@CNETech.com" "Dan & Jan Younker", IN%"jackie_campbell@qmail.fullerton.edu" "Jack ie CC: Subj: Random Acts of Humor Return-path: id <01HW2M9TVAMO0035SS@FULLERTON.EDU>; Thu, 5 Oct 1995 07:03:24 PST Date: Thu, 05 Oct 1995 06:57:57 -0800 From: Holly Hall Subject: Random Acts of Humor Glen Shiery , Glen Shiery , Dan & Jan Younker , Jackie Campbell , Ruby Cook , Bonnie Dunn , Sara Flores , Donna Furon , Marc Guardi , Sandy Jackson-Clarke , Carlos Navarrete , Tom Whitfield Message-id: Content-transfer-encoding: 7BIT Mail*Link(r) SMTP Random Acts of Humor Ah, the On Line joys. -------------------------------------- Author unknown... I shot a query into the net. I haven't got an answer yet, But seven people gave me hell And said I ought to learn to spell; A posted message called me rotten For ignoring mail I'd never gotten; An angry message asked me, Please Don't send such drivel overseas; A lawyer sent me private mail And swore he'd slap my ass in jail -- I'd mentioned Un*x in my gem And failed to add the T and M; One netter thought it was a hoax: "Hereafter, post to net dot jokes!"; Another called my grammar vile And criticized my writing style. Each day I scan each Subject line In hopes the topic will be mine; I shot a query into the net. I haven't got an answer yet... From rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu Thu Oct 5 09:39 PDT 1995 Comments: Authenticated sender is From: "Rich MCgee" Organization: CSUSB Date: Thu, 5 Oct 1995 09:18:23 +0000 Subject: (Fwd) Prevent cruelty to software Priority: normal NEWSFLASH!!!!! SEVEN SOFTWARE COMPANIES ADDED TO "WATCH LIST" New York -- People for Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS) announced today that seven more software companies have been added to the group's "watch list" of companies that regularly practice software testing. "There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that companies like these can market new products," said Ken Grandola, spokesperson for PETS. "Alternative methods of testing these products are available." According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthly and arduous tests, often without rest, for hours or days at a time. Employees are assigned to "break" the software by any means necessary, and inside sources report that they often joke about "torturing" the software. "It's no joke," said Grandola. "Innocent programs, from the day they are compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and "crashed" for hours on end. They spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained computers, and are unceremoniously deleted when they're not needed anymore." Grandola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is infested with bugs. "We know that alternatives to this horror exist," he said, citing industry giant Microsoft Corporation as a company that has become successful without resorting to software testing. -- Selected by Jim Griffith. MAIL your joke to funny@clari.net. Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply. Send comments meant for the moderator to funny-request@clari.net. Jokes sent to this address will be ignored. ------------------------------------------------ Rich McGee California State University, San Bernardino 5500 University Parkway San Bernardino, Ca. 92407-2397 909-880-7275 From rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu Tue Oct 10 10:14 PDT 1995 From: Rich McGee Subject: Forwarded: If architects had to work like programmers (fwd) Date: Tue, 10 Oct 1995 10:10:23 -0700 (PDT) Forwarded message: From dimitriu@nosc.mil Tue Oct 10 09:01:01 1995 Date: Tue, 10 Oct 95 08:55:27 PDT From: dimitriu@nosc.mil (Anastasia Dimitriu) Subject: Forwarded: If architects had to work like programmers Forwarded mail follows: Date: Tue, 10 Oct 1995 07:23:28 -0800 From: lwmartin@marlin Subject: If architects had to work like programmers >Date: Fri, 6 Oct 1995 13:08:04 -0700 >To: jimc@nosc.mil, kinkade@nosc.mil, dahlgren@nosc.mil, hackett@nosc.mil, > lwmartin@nosc.mil >From: cferrin@qualcomm.com (Chris Ferrin) >Subject: If architects had to work like programmers > >Another good one. > >>> >>>>>Humor: If architects had to work like programmers >>>>> >>>>>Dear Mr. Architect: >>>>> >>>>>Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, >>>>>so you should use your discretion. >>>>> >>>>>My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make >>>>>sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or >>>>>deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final >>>>>decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each >>>>>configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one. >>>>> >>>>>Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the >>>>>one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all >>>>>the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my >>>>>kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don't have nearly >>>>>enough insulation in them). >>>>> >>>>>As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance >>>>>costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of >>>>>extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite siding. (If you >>>>>choose not to specify aluminum, be prepared to explain your decision in >>>>>detail.) Please take care that modern design practices and the latest >>>>>materials are used in construction of the house, as I want it to be a >>>>>showplace for the most up-to-date ideas and methods. Be alerted, >>>>>however, that kitchen should be designed to accommodate, among other >>>>>things, my 1952 Gibson refrigerator. >>>>> >>>>>To insure that you are building the correct house for our entire >>>>>family, make certain that you contact each of our children, and also >>>>>our in-laws. My mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how >>>>>the house should be designed, since she visits us at least once a year. >>>>>Make sure that you weigh all of thses options carefully and come to the >>>>>right decision. I, however, retain the right to overrule any choices >>>>>that you make. >>>>> >>>>>Please don't bother me with small details right now. Your job is to >>>>>develop the overall plans for the house: get the big picture. At this >>>>>time, for example, it is not appropriate to be choosing the color of >>>>>the carpet. However, keep in mind that my wife likes blue. >>>>> >>>>>Also, do not worry at this time about acquiring the resources to build >>>>>the house itself. Your first priority is to develop detailed plans and >>>>>specifications. Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect the >>>>>house to be under roof within 48 hours. >>>>> >>>>>While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind >>>>>that sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. It >>>>>therefore should have appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers. >>>>>Please make sure before you finalize the plans that there is a >>>>>consensus of the population in my area that they like the features this >>>>>house has. >>>>> >>>>>I advise you to run up and look at my neighbor's house he constructed >>>>>last year. We like it a great deal. It has many features that we would >>>>>also like in our new home, particularily the 75-foot swimming pool. >>>>>With careful engineering, I believe that you can design this into our >>>>>new house without impacting the final cost. >>>>> >>>>>Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at >>>>>this time to do the real design, since they will be used only for >>>>>construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held >>>>>accountable for any increase of construction costs as a result of later >>>>>design changes. >>>>> >>>>>You must be thrilled to be working on as an interesting project as >>>>>this! To be able to use the latest techniques and materials and to be >>>>>given such freedom in your designs is something that can't happen very >>>>>often. Contact me as soon as possible with your complete ideas and >>>>>plans. >>>>> >>>>>PS: My wife has just told me that she disagrees with many of the >>>>>instructions I've given you in this letter. As architect, it is your >>>>>responsibility to resolve these differences. I have tried in the past >>>>>and have been unable to accomplish this. If you can't handle this >>>>>responsibility, I will have to find another architect. >>>>> >>>>>PPS: Perhaps what I need is not a house at all, but a travel trailer. >>>>>Please advise me as soon as possible if this is the case. >>>>> >>>> >>>> >>> >> > > > From dick Thu Oct 26 07:01:36 1995 Subject: A new light bulb joke Cc: /u/faculty/dick/doc/jokes How many computer language standards commitees does it take to screw in a light bulb? Thats the implementors problem. ---------------- The above answer (to a serious question) was on comp.lang.c++.std dick From rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu Mon Nov 20 09:32 PST 1995 From: Rich McGee Subject: Forwarded: Fwd: chem test.. Date: Mon, 20 Nov 1995 09:27:59 -0800 (PST) > >> Duke Chemistry Professor > >> ======================== > >> > >> Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years > >> by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known > >> as "Bonkistry." He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him > >> to come up with something like this. > >> > >> Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and > >> who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., > >> such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were > >> so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week > >> (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up > >> to UVirginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and > >> had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they > >> overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early > >> Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to > >> find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the > >> final. They told him that they went up to UVa for the weekend, and had > >> planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on > >> the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time > >> and so were late getting back to campus. Bonk thought this over and > >> then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The > >> two guys were elated and relieved. > >> > >> So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk > >> had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a > >> test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, > >> which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 > >> points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that > >> problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what > >> they saw on the next page. It said: > >> > >> (95 points) Which tire? > > > From rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu Thu Dec 14 08:44 PST 1995 From: Rich McGee Subject: RE: OS Beer (humor) (fwd) Date: Thu, 14 Dec 1995 08:38:15 -0800 (PST) Forwarded message: From PCCI!SANBERN!MARK@profcomp.attmail.com Wed Dec 13 17:15:52 1995 From: PCCI!SANBERN!MARK@profcomp.attmail.com Date: Wed, 13 Dec 1995 15:20:00 +0000 Subject: RE: OS Beer (humor) Message-ID: ------------------------------------------------------ >From: "SWilliams" >RE: OS Beer > > If Operating Systems Were Beers... > > DOS Beer: > Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the > directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in > an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is > divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed > separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are > going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available. > > Mac Beer: > At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. > Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. > When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients > list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you > are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds > you to drag your empties to the trashcan. > > Windows 3.1 Beer: > The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like > Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it > allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality > you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you > are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for > apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open > it. > > OS/2 Beer: > Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers > simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously > too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when > you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone > drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer > Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold. > > Windows 95 Beer: > You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and > claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but > tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when > you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most > people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their > friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients > list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same > ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims > that this is an entirely new brew. > > Windows NT Beer: > Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This > causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The > can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to > change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 > beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and > suggested only for use in bars. > > Unix Beer: > Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 > oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though > they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. > Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you > have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which > case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who > has been drinking Unix Beer for several years. > > VMS Beer: > > Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and > sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or > contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure > development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list > of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred to an > unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that > this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a > tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it. > > From rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu Mon Dec 18 10:02 PST 1995 From: Rich McGee Subject: (fwd) net censorship Date: Mon, 18 Dec 1995 09:56:33 -0800 (PST) Forwarded message: From rmcgee Mon Dec 18 09:39:45 1995 Date: Mon, 18 Dec 1995 09:39:45 -0800 From: Rich McGee Subject: (fwd) net censorship Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: net censorship From: hinshaw@cs.washington.edu (Kevin Hinshaw) Keywords: topical, chuckle, USENET, sexual Path: csus.edu!csusac!charnel.ecst.csuchico.edu!xmission!imci2!newsfeed.internetmci.com!in1.uu.net!looking!funny-request Message-ID: Date: Thu, 14 Dec 95 12:20:08 EST With all the recent commotion about net censorship, and with the approach of the holiday season, I was inspired to write the following song for our department's annual holiday party skit. (Note that some of the lines are identical to the real version. I don't know if that poses copyright violations for posting purposes or not.) Kevin Hinshaw hinshaw@cs.washington.edu --------------------------------------------------------------------- The Exon Song Sex nuts posting on an open wire Sick thoughts dripping from their prose Dirty pictures showing young girls for hire And men dressed up in women's clothes Everybody knows That mountains of pornography Have been appearing left and right Tiny tots with their eyes all a-glow May find the ones with sheep tonight We know that Satan's on the Net Along with all the creeps and perverts he could get Enticing every child to try his luck At finding pictures of people who fundamentally undermine the morals of society And so I'm offering this simple phrase To kids from one to ninety-two; Although it's been said many times, many ways "Let us censor for you." -- Selected by Jim Griffith. MAIL your joke to funny@clari.net. Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply. Jokes ABOUT major current events should be sent to topical@clari.net (ie. jokes which won't be funny if not given immediate attention.) Anything that is not a joke submission goes to funny-request@clari.net From csus.edu!news.ucdavis.edu!agate!howland.reston.ans.net!newsfeed.internetmci.com!news.borg.com!news Mon Dec 18 21:10:07 1995 Path: csus.edu!news.ucdavis.edu!agate!howland.reston.ans.net!newsfeed.internetmci.com!news.borg.com!news From: "ivory@tower.com" Newsgroups: comp.software.config-mgmt,comp.software-eng Subject: Holiday Diversions... Date: 16 Dec 1995 15:16:32 GMT Organization: Tower Concepts, Inc. Message-ID: <4aunsg$2fd@news.borg.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: l3.borg.com Xref: csus.edu comp.software.config-mgmt:3706 comp.software-eng:36630 X-URL: news:comp.software.config-mgmt I'll keep this brief... If you're looking for a simple holiday diversion from work, consider the following web site... http://www.tower.com/holiday.html [ or http://198.77.86.50/holiday.html ] We've gathered together a pleasant collection of ASCII humor articles. They're easily downloadable for reading, printing & posting outside your office, or for e-mailing to friends. Some are cute, some are risque', some are nerdy; all are commercial free. We've enjoyed a really good year here at Tower Concepts, and this seemed like a nice way to say thanks. ----------------------------------------------- ________ ------------------- John E. Ivory 103 Sylvan Way / ___ ___ ___ ivory@tower.com New Hartford, NY 13413 / / / | /| / /_ /__/ V: 315-724-3540 / /__/ |/ |/ /__ / \ http://www.tower.com F: 315-724-3129 C O N C E P T S , I N C ------ Razor: File version control with integrated problem tracking ------- From dick Wed Jan 17 14:07 PST 1996 From: dick (Dr. Richard Botting) Date: Wed, 17 Jan 1996 13:39:25 -0800 Subject: Cybercrud http://klinzhai.evolve.com/~drseuss/stuff.i.like/a2z.cybercrud.html From rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu Mon Jan 22 09:27 PST 1996 Date: Mon, 22 Jan 1996 09:20:28 -0800 From: Rich McGee Subject: (fwd) The Charge of the Code Brigade Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny From: jeff@purple.com (Jeff Abrahamson) Subject: The Charge of the Code Brigade Keywords: original, chuckle, computers Path: csus.edu!csusac!charnel.ecst.csuchico.edu!newshub.csu.net!usc!howland.reston.ans.net!nntp.coast.net!torn!watserv3.uwaterloo.ca!xenitec!looking!funny-request Message-ID: Date: Thu, 11 Jan 96 19:30:07 EST The Charge of the Code Brigade (with apologies to Tennyson (but he's dead)) Half a Mb, half a Mb, Half a Mb farther. Churning out code, fixing bugs: The six coders. "Forward, the Code Brigade, Aim for the ship date," he said. Churning out code, fixing bugs: The six coders. "Forward, the Code Brigade!" Was their a one dismayed? Well though the coders knew Some bits were rotten. Theirs not to feel surprise, Theirs not to close their eyes, Theirs but to see sunrise. Churning out code, fixing bugs: The six coders. Bugs to right of them, Bugs to left of them, Bugs in front of them, Crashes and freezes! Stack traces so bizarre, Pointers to near and far, Zero dereferenced there, Heap scrambled, frantic now. Churning out code, fixing bugs: The six coders. Compiling and linking this, Errors, more pizza, 'tis One week to ship, can't miss. Investors are anxious, and Marketing's giddy. Caffeine is fuel in here, CPU's screaming near 100 megaherz, fear Has no place, nor tear. Nor Walter Middy. Churning out code, fixing bugs: The six coders. Bugs to right of them, Bugs to left of them, Bugs behind them, Crashes and freezes! Errors are fewer now, Testing says all is going well, Talking of freezing now: Code, though, not cursors. Demos and champagne soon. Freezing code, no more bugs, Sleepy coders. When will their stock price fade? Oh, the IPO they made! All the world wondered. Honor the app they made! Honor the Code Brigade, Noble Six Coders. -- Selected by Jim Griffith. MAIL your joke to funny@clari.net. If you mail to original@clari.net, it makes sure that your joke is tagged as your original work, and thus eligible for the RHF comedy awards. Always attribute the source of a joke, whether it's you, or somebody else. From dick Tue Jan 30 10:24 PST 1996 Path: csus.edu!newshub.csu.net!newshub.sdsu.edu!ucsnews!sol.ctr.columbia.edu!hamblin.math.byu.edu!acs2.byu.edu!news.cuny.edu!news.sprintlink.net!howland.reston.ans.net!newsfeed.internetmci.com!nntp-hub2.barrnet.net!nntp-hub.barrnet.net!newshost.ea.com!usenet From: rgreen@ea.com (Robin Green) Newsgroups: comp.lang.misc,comp.misc Subject: VAGUE- the programming language Date: 23 Jan 1996 15:46:42 GMT Organization: Electronic Arts Message-ID: <4e2vt2$9r1@viper.ea.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: rgreen.ea.com X-Newsreader: WinVN 0.99.6 Xref: csus.edu comp.lang.misc:18946 comp.misc:25255 Work in progress................. --------------------------------------------------------------------- VAGUE v.9.13e+17.1 - Volatile Annotation of Generalised User Emotions --------------------------------------------------------------------- by Steve Moran and Robin Green History. ======== VAGUE is the first 8th generation language; the advances in language philosophy which have been factored into the design of the language elevate it to this status (and probably much higher). After many bad experiences with 4th and 7th generation languages, and using a thorough understanding of the workings of the human brain, the human body and boardroom dynamics, the design team decided to reject determinism and the classical constraints of symbolic programming and instead returned to a more human centered approach. The team is using advanced Lambda calculus based virtual object oriented highly automated design technologies to produce a rapid prototyping, extensible security hardened language. This project should be in beta testing by 2034 and is expected to become the leading edge in business, commercial, web-based and campanological applications. VAGUE was developed during this teams lunch hours. Tutorial. ========= A VAGUE program is constructed from requests, reasons and philosophies. A "Request" is any number of commands which really ought to be executed; for instance adding two values together, opening a data file, or not crashing. "Reasons" instruct the compiler as to the programmers motives for attempting such a request, e.g. "it's easier than " or "I said so". Philosophies detail the manner in which each request should be carried out; they may explain how quickly or efficiently a request should be performed, the tone of voice used or the consequences of failure. Additionally, VAGUE encapsulates a number of quantifiers which determine the specivity of a value or statement, e.g. "sort of 3" or "absolutely definitely 7 and no kidding this is serious". To give a taster of what a programmer can expect from the VAGUE language, a simple "Daryl loves Sheila" program is included below: #include run if everyone's ready do { print "Daryl loves Sheila" apparently because that's the whole point } next This program assumes the programming environment to be reasonable well adjusted. However, we envisage future networked systems to be constantly competing for access to resources which would necessitate a more secure algorithm to acquire the necessary resources: #include #include #include #include definite int x startup() gently at first and for gods sake don't crash already if (work() or else) { lock_all_doors() and_windows() check_under_the_bed() x absolutely = 3 x = x + definite 3 and no more when like (x = 6 or thereabouts) do { if (power_on()) do if (acquire(screen) quickly because print needed) do if (acquire(CPU) so no_one notices) do if (acquire(system libraries) do if (acquire(network paths) very carefully) do if (x still = 6) do if (you still want to do this) do if (acquire(inclination)) do { anything() & everything() possible whatever_i_wanted_to_do() } } as quickly as possible because (x probably = 5) by now and time = money } blimey! else deletecompiler actually i reckon (Daryl prefers Stuart) Some Basic Commands. ==================== Like C, VAGUE has very few commands which are standard. This is primarily because the design team had better things to do with their time than sit around devising commands which will solve all your problems in one line while you sit back and take all the credit. Try applying yourself to the problem and write your own bloody solution. And while I'm giving free advice, why not take a bath? Next. ===== Back in the early 1400's, a programming language known as BASIC (designed to involve as little design work as possible) pioneered the "FOR/NEXT" loop. Many languages these days have a similar structure, called the "for" loop; the "next" command being seen by most as superfluous. This is because they have about as much foresight as a fruitbat wearing a Walkman. All "FOR" did was sit still and keep count while "NEXT" did all the hard work of running backwards and forwards along the code and telling "FOR" when it had to increment it's counter. "FOR" was essentially spoon-fed. The designers of VAGUE set out to restore "NEXT" to it's former glory and to expose "FOR" for the fraud it was, achieving next to nothing. "NEXT" has now improved itself to the point where it could figure out by itself exactly where you want it to go back to and how many times; all you have to do is give it a convenient free variable to keep it happy. (By convention, most programmers use "i", although "NEXT" is also quite partial to "j", "k" and "x"). Break(x). ========= Break is another useful command which performs the same function as it does in many other languages; It causes the termination of a loop or other subprogram. However, the programmer may specify how many levels are broken out of. For example, the program: #include #include #include #include #include #include #include Subroutine { { { { print "This will be printed a lot." break(x) } next i } next j } next k } Main { do Subroutine some because that's just the way it is } Here, if x=1, the program will break out of the inner loop "i". If x=2 break(x) will break out of the two inner looks i and j and x=3 will drop out of all three loops. x=4 will break out of the procedure called "Subroutine" and x=5 will break out of the program altogether. x=6 will break out of whatever operating system your computer is running and x=7 will break your computer. Comments. ========= right like Compiler Directives. ==================== #who did this #when did this happen #why wasn't i told ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -- ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Robin Green, Technical Specialist rgreen@ea.com Electronic Arts, UK. tel:+44 1753 772353 These opinions are my own ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu Tue Jan 30 09:38 PST 1996 Date: Tue, 30 Jan 1996 09:31:26 -0800 From: Rich McGee Subject: (fwd) Cueniform Tablets Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny From: TBARSS@uvphys.phys.uvic.ca Subject: Cueniform Tablets Keywords: smirk, computers Path: csus.edu!csusac!charnel.ecst.csuchico.edu!psgrain!newsfeed.internetmci.com!in2.uu.net!looking!funny-request Message-ID: Date: Wed, 24 Jan 96 19:30:05 EST We were approaching the end of a long lecture in the History of Mathematcs. The lecture had been on the clay cueniform tablets used in ancient Babylon for writing and arithmetic, and in particular one tablet that turned out to be a table of secants, probably carried around and used by engineers of that time. Hearing this, a student in the class asked how big the tablets were. When the professor replied that they were quite tiny, small enough to fit in one's pocket, a student in the back row piped up, "Yeah, but the very first ones filled entire rooms." -- Selected by Jim Griffith. MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clari.net. If you see a problem with an RHF posting, reply to the poster please, not to us. Ask the poster to forward comments back to us if this is necessary. From rmallory@qualcomm.com Fri Feb 2 14:28 PST 1996 From: Rob Mallory Subject: Funny Ha Ha Date: Fri, 2 Feb 1996 14:15:10 -0800 (PST) Cc: sdaniels@csusb.edu, oowens@csusb.edu, lirwin@admin1101dp.UCR.EDU, wwong@csusb.edu, dick@csci.csusb.edu Humor anyone? -Rob GEEKY COMPUTER ONE-LINERS: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding The name is Baud......, James Baud. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go! Access denied--nah nah na nah nah! C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay.. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!" As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope) Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups. ... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/n)? Does fuzzy logic tickle? A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation. Windows: Just another pane in the glass. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . . Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk? Ultimate office automation: networked coffee. RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure. Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS... All computers wait at the same speed. DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors. Press